tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post2236477332700588786..comments2023-11-03T09:37:18.738-04:00Comments on Deana Barnhart: 1st Rd Sm Press Contest #34 - EthamDeanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958057331230037880noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-46953532643652361902012-11-30T17:56:44.641-05:002012-11-30T17:56:44.641-05:00Hey, Entry #34! I’m going around giving everyone ...Hey, Entry #34! I’m going around giving everyone at least one critique and one positive today. (Maybe more, if I spot something helpful.) Positive: - I’m still marveling at the references. Daughter of Smoke and Bone meets Jane Eyre , hm? Interesting… Critique: - *Grins* Anonymous was right. ‘They’ are going to suggest a little tightening. Best of luck! :)Saywonfymrhttp://server.ostafers.ch/groups/computer/weblog/c1dde/Yankees_win_ALDS_playoff_opener_over_Orioles_7two__Wall_Street_Journal.htmlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-52877647427466874352012-10-03T22:12:02.533-04:002012-10-03T22:12:02.533-04:00Anonymous said it well when he/she said you had a ...Anonymous said it well when he/she said you had a "storyteller's voice". I agree with that. Your writing feels professional and natural. The first two paragraphs of the query were excellent, but I got a little lost in the third paragraph. When you say it's nearly a year later, does this year pass within the story or does it start at this point? I know you don't want to give it away but without telling us what the rings do and what the "tragic consequence" is, it feels like something important is left out. You may be able to just leave a lot of this out. What if you removed the last sentence of the second paragraph and then go straight to them being at the modern day high school? I'm sure it over simplifies things, but queries often work better that way.<br /><br />I'm on the fence with this one. :) The voice is so strong, but I'm concerned about the structure of the story.Lone Starnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-16834009429093352382012-10-02T01:51:19.810-04:002012-10-02T01:51:19.810-04:00Hey, Entry #34!
I’m going around giving everyone...Hey, Entry #34! <br /><br />I’m going around giving everyone at least one critique and one positive today. (Maybe more, if I spot something helpful.)<br /><br /><b>Positive:</b><br />- I’m still marveling at the references. <i>Daughter of Smoke and Bone</i> meets <i>Jane Eyre</i>, hm? Interesting…<br /><br /><b>Critique:</b><br />- *Grins* Anonymous was right. ‘They’ <i>are</i> going to suggest a little tightening. <br /><br />Best of luck! :)Honey Badgernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-71855893117808851242012-10-01T23:14:47.135-04:002012-10-01T23:14:47.135-04:00Two things - First, you have a grate story teller&...Two things - First, you have a grate story teller's voice. Perfect for fantasy/fairytale. It comes through really well in your query, however, I'm wondering how that will translate to the contemporary portion of the story. I'm also betting they are going to tell you to tighten this up a bit.<br /><br />I saw a number of phrases that could be condensed or even cut to make it a little less wordy without losing that great voice. For example, try cutting anything in parenthesis. <br /><br />Number two - is Dad checking Mom out in the first paragraph? GROSS! ;) I'm just teasing you, but you might turn off some younger readers if they read it as I did the first time through.<br /><br />GOOD LUCK!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com