tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post382617572815610505..comments2023-11-03T09:37:18.738-04:00Comments on Deana Barnhart: Pitch Polish #44Deanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958057331230037880noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-42405119865203644492012-09-11T22:31:10.298-04:002012-09-11T22:31:10.298-04:00I remember this from Write On? Is that where I saw...I remember this from Write On? Is that where I saw it? Wherever it was, it stood out, because I recognized it right away. I either never saw that query or it's changed a lot. <br /><br />I love it. I would definitely want to read more. I thought the query was really strong and the ideas in it were intriguing. You told me just enough to make me want to read more. I actually have to disagree with the previous poster about leaving Matt's confession out. The fact that Matt's a ghost was one of the main things that hooked my interest. <br /><br />I think you did an excellent job on this. One of the things that drew me to it was your title. I don't need help with my query, but I'm actually struggling with a title. I have three choices up on my blog. I'd love it if you could shoot over there and tell me which one you like? <br /><br />Good luck with this!!<br />Tamarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04070551912944266954noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-58012339115761746162012-09-10T13:34:29.792-04:002012-09-10T13:34:29.792-04:00Hi!
I'm going to make some comments on your s...Hi!<br /><br />I'm going to make some comments on your submission, remember this is only my opinion so I might be wrong.<br /><br />I think you should reorder your first sentences so you can tell her age before adn the reader will now you age range immediately. I'd put it this way: " Samantha Cole never believed in ghosts, until she got a letter from her brother two months after his death, blaming her for the accident. Now sixteen, Samantha and Matt, her best friend and partner, spent the last two years hunting ghosts, in the hope that she will find out what happened to her brother, and be able to make amends. They have explored most of the east coast, looking for evidence of paranormal activity, with no results."<br /><br />Also I'd cut this :"he passed away nearly twenty years before he ever met Sam." I think is better to keep the suspense of what Matt is and what is the confession.<br /><br />Great first words, I'm intrigued!yohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07412555990820538997noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-55081592953519050282012-09-10T12:45:34.457-04:002012-09-10T12:45:34.457-04:00This sounds like a great story! I just really, re...This sounds like a great story! I just really, really don't think you should tell us that Matt is dead. It just gives away your whole plot. Intrigue us and tease us, maybe hint at it, but don't reveal your shocker! If you restructured the query around their quest together and then how things start to get weird I think it would serve you better. <br /><br />Jeannettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04121406778127520539noreply@blogger.com