tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post3951607896479503107..comments2023-11-03T09:37:18.738-04:00Comments on Deana Barnhart: 1st Rd Sm Press Contest #14 - Forget-me-notDeanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958057331230037880noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-15100664704189578022012-10-03T17:05:06.663-04:002012-10-03T17:05:06.663-04:00I thought the first 150 were strong. However, I go...I thought the first 150 were strong. However, I got lost in the query. The concepts are vague like "the society" "technology", there just isn't anything that jumps out at me as unique. You had a lovely voice in your first 150, but I didn't feel it in the query. Are there ways that you can give your query a little more of your voice? Also maybe more detail that makes it a unique dystopian.Lone Starnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-8579230474236910712012-10-02T05:28:22.670-04:002012-10-02T05:28:22.670-04:00Thank you for the kind words and great feedback. H...Thank you for the kind words and great feedback. Her protectors are the people at the safe house. I think I need to work on that first paragraph and clarify a few points. Thanks again :) Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-28224978687809113382012-10-01T23:05:55.230-04:002012-10-01T23:05:55.230-04:00I agree that the first paragraph needs to be tight...I agree that the first paragraph needs to be tightened a bit. I was confused as to whether or not she was still invisible when the attacker showed up (Reminded me of an episode of Stargate with these bracelets that shift you into another dimension layered on top of ours). Another point to clarify: Who are her new protectors? Other than that I think you have a strong concept here that is very interesting. I love the stakes at the end. She's already lost her mother and now she's losing her father too! The first 150 really pull at the heart strings--excellent job!Mara Valderranhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04718957990733048214noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-88297343436550909772012-10-01T20:48:17.504-04:002012-10-01T20:48:17.504-04:00Hey, Entry #14!
I’m going around giving everyone...Hey, Entry #14! <br /><br />I’m going around giving everyone at least one critique and one positive today. (Maybe more, if I spot something helpful.)<br /><br /><b>Positive:</b><br />- I love the tech-driven concept. :)<br /><br /><b>Critique:</b><br />- Try reading the first 150 out loud to see if anything is missing. “Now Anamae knows the secret, [and] she’s at the top of their hit list.” Or maybe: “Now [that] Anamae knows the secret, she’s at the top of their hit list.<br /><br />Best of luck! :)Honey Badgernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-73972240445618293052012-10-01T20:04:34.502-04:002012-10-01T20:04:34.502-04:00I love the second paragraph of your query, it sets...I love the second paragraph of your query, it sets the stakes up nicely and really helps us to empathise with your MC. It's the first paragraph I'm worried about. At the moment, her mother's disappearance seems disjointed and her turning invisible seems abrupt. I'd say start with the invisibility - that seems to be the main incident - and weave her mother in throughout. <br /><br />As for the first 150 words, they have a strong voice and even though there's no 'action' it's still interesting. I would just recommend rewording that first sentence as it reads a little awkwardly.<br /><br />Good Luck :)Heather M Bryanthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17991599364208766781noreply@blogger.com