tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post4511896040763268286..comments2023-11-03T09:37:18.738-04:00Comments on Deana Barnhart: 1st Rd Sm Press Contest #3 - TouchDeanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958057331230037880noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-82403808667096778542012-10-01T20:41:48.527-04:002012-10-01T20:41:48.527-04:00I would agree that you might need to transition a ...I would agree that you might need to transition a bit better from plot point to plot point. I can see how all of those are important. And I love the opening with her sister's death. Automatic sympathy pull for the character. <br /><br />There are a few sentences that felt off: <br />"She's spent the last years battling with an empathic ability she wants no part." I think you might have left "of" off at the end. Also, how long is the last years? If it is a few, say a few. Specificity is the key, especially if it is five since that will tie the ability to her sister's death.<br /><br />I love the opening line for John. It gains him sympathy and mystery at the same time. Not sure his looks should come into play with just befriending him since that makes the MC seem a bit shallow. Is she drawn to him because of his looks and snarky personality? <br /><br />"At one touch, she knows there is something wrong with John and will prompt him to a shocking confession:" You switched tenses here. "She knows...and prompts" or "She knew" and "prompted"<br /><br />"Before the killer finds her next victim" Hold the phone--we know who the killer is? It's a she? If so, be a bit more clear on that point. <br /><br />The last paragraph you say that she has to choose between saving a friend and sacrificing herself. Is this friend John? Or another friend? <br /><br />The first 150 words:<br />I love the imagery and the feel you get for her voice. The only change: "A row of white psychics tents" to "psychics' tents". <br /><br />I know I made a lot of suggestions but I really feel like you have a great story here. I would read it in a heartbeat just going off of the query you have. Tighten it up a bit and I think you have a great chance! Mara Valderranhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04718957990733048214noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-43186667686990098262012-10-01T17:54:52.521-04:002012-10-01T17:54:52.521-04:00There are some interesting elements in your query ...There are some interesting elements in your query that pique my interest, but it feels a little disjointed. Her sister's suicide, her empathic abilities, meeting John, and the killer all seem like separate elements, maybe you can cut out some of these details and flesh out the primary plot more?<br /><br />"Yet another delusion to my so-called anxiety?<br /><br />I hoped not." <br /><br />I'm not really sure what that means.<br /><br />It sounds like an interesting story and I'd want to read on, it just needs some refining.<br /><br />Lone Starnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-83742238301288811052012-10-01T17:50:29.512-04:002012-10-01T17:50:29.512-04:00Hey, Entry #3!
I’m going around giving everyone ...Hey, Entry #3! <br /><br />I’m going around giving everyone at least one critique and one positive today. (Maybe more, if I spot something helpful.)<br /><br /><b>Positive:</b><br />- Nice paranormal element!<br /><br /><b>Critique:</b><br />- I would try to make a clear connection between her sister’s death and the onset of these empathic powers. <br /><br />Best of luck! :)Honey Badgernoreply@blogger.com