tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post4744927302259670714..comments2023-11-03T09:37:18.738-04:00Comments on Deana Barnhart: Pitch Polish #111 (missed entry - added later)Deanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958057331230037880noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-35471016770374160912012-12-11T14:41:13.106-05:002012-12-11T14:41:13.106-05:00[url=http://ivlkrwnnz.com]tQsUxqGQUVauln[/url] - v...[url=http://ivlkrwnnz.com]tQsUxqGQUVauln[/url] - <a href="http://bjfuswuq.com" rel="nofollow">vLdQGNXCKxQAiR</a> , http://hhmgziigpu.comAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-84507258474009008182012-09-13T00:28:00.085-04:002012-09-13T00:28:00.085-04:00In the query, your characters and brief hints of b...In the query, your characters and brief hints of backstory intrigued me, but I lost interest when you stated your characters' mission - to build a lethal bomb to aim at China. The stakes simply don't sound high enough to warrant this. A 'takeover" is fairly peaceful, if unpleasant. US companies have bought up a lot of Canadian companies - this is a takeover - but we aren't leveling stealth missiles at you. The only justification for bombing another country - if there is one at all - its that they are bombing you. If this is the case, you need to write your query in a way that makes it quite clear, and shows that this is the US' only hope of survival. <br />The first 2 paragraphs of your 150 words are good. Interesting and well-written. In the third, avoid the word "sneer". Make it obvious from his words what his tone of voice is. Also, never have one character tell another what he already knows. This is obviously intended for the reader and people don't talk that way. (As you know, Tom, we're on our way to Alaska to hunt bears" "Yes, and as you know, Dave, we read the weather report this morning and a storm is brewing exactly where we're going.") Find another way to include the information naturally.Jane Ann McLachlanhttp://www.janeannmclachlan.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-18199530609395927182012-09-12T12:30:05.035-04:002012-09-12T12:30:05.035-04:00I love this! I am definitely reading it when it co...I love this! I am definitely reading it when it comes out. I love the juxtaposition of the political history and the personal history. I'm assuming this is YA? My only concern with the opening is that it is all about adults. Of course, I'm only seeing 150 words, but I would just consider that--making sure the kids are at the forefront. Good luck!Wendy Lawrencehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16166026007520298434noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-48137083142026178282012-09-11T12:49:33.950-04:002012-09-11T12:49:33.950-04:00You've got a lot of interesting elements in th...You've got a lot of interesting elements in this query, and those make me want to read more.<br /><br />I'd remove the first sentence. You should always include the word count, title, and genre of your work, but you don't need to include that it's complete (it should be, because if it's not, don't query!) or the chapter count. Oh, and remove the comma after the title (grammar Nazi, sorry!)<br /><br />I love China. I'm obsessed with China. I love that your story details the threat of China as an impending superpower in the world, and that the US has fallen from grace. But the way you've worded these sentences has me lost. We know Danni's a child survivor, and this important (keep it). Do we need to know right away how long ago it happened? Not really. We need to know about her uncle and his discovery (that weapon sounds FASCINATING, BTW) but it's buried.<br /><br />I'd fix that by starting a new paragraph. End the first paragraph by saying Danni gets a letter from her mysteriously disappeared uncle, and start the new paragraph with the contents of the letter. <br /><br />Oh, and the third paragraph could be about Danni's journey into the Congo.<br /><br />I hope this wasn't too harsh. I think this would truly hook some lucky agent, your query just needs to be a little more streamlined.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-14851607533262749002012-09-10T21:43:27.479-04:002012-09-10T21:43:27.479-04:00The child survivor of a rebel raid peaks my intere...The child survivor of a rebel raid peaks my interest and feels very topical, as does the threat of China. I also like the idea of a revenge story. <br /><br />I read the query before looking at the genre and expected it to be sci-fi based on Promethium…I had no idea that was a real element. Now that I know it is, I trust that you know your stuff.<br /><br />On my first read, I thought the uncle was the man who burned the village. On my second read, I don’t think so. I would like some clarity on that. If he is, then choosing love over hate makes some sense. If not, then I wonder if there’s a romantic plot that I’m missing. <br /><br />For me, it would be easier to read if the query were broken into multiple paragaphs.<br /><br />“-- the man who stole the essence OF her life” I added the all caps…is this what you meant? I don’t know if I need that phrase at all; murdering one’s mother and burning a village is pretty clearly earth-shattering.<br /><br />Good luck and thanks for sharing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-7406532401355199852012-09-10T21:43:26.462-04:002012-09-10T21:43:26.462-04:00The child survivor of a rebel raid peaks my intere...The child survivor of a rebel raid peaks my interest and feels very topical, as does the threat of China. I also like the idea of a revenge story. <br /><br />I read the query before looking at the genre and expected it to be sci-fi based on Promethium…I had no idea that was a real element. Now that I know it is, I trust that you know your stuff.<br /><br />On my first read, I thought the uncle was the man who burned the village. On my second read, I don’t think so. I would like some clarity on that. If he is, then choosing love over hate makes some sense. If not, then I wonder if there’s a romantic plot that I’m missing. <br /><br />For me, it would be easier to read if the query were broken into multiple paragaphs.<br /><br />“-- the man who stole the essence OF her life” I added the all caps…is this what you meant? I don’t know if I need that phrase at all; murdering one’s mother and burning a village is pretty clearly earth-shattering.<br /><br />Good luck and thanks for sharing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-26214209704901193882012-09-10T21:29:22.263-04:002012-09-10T21:29:22.263-04:00I love this premise!
Your query seems to be missin...I love this premise!<br />Your query seems to be missing some punctuation and I'm mentioning this bc incorrect puncutation is a red flag to agents. If you can't get it right in a short query, there's a huge chance your entire MS lacks proper punctuation.<br /><br />I suggest: a colon between "takeover" and "A rare earth"...<br />And a word is missing between "essence" and "her." Perhaps "the essence of her life?" <br />And the sentence beginning "A journey where" could be reworked to flow better. Perhaps: It becomes a journey where...<br /><br />In your excerpt, perhaps avoid telling us why Roland's fists are clenched. We can figure it out.<br />Otherwise, I'd read on! Good luck!Melodie Wrighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04599091593083976703noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-91277089561148400742012-09-10T20:26:49.103-04:002012-09-10T20:26:49.103-04:00Love a good thriller! It's fun to see one in t...Love a good thriller! It's fun to see one in the pitches. <br /><br />In the query portion, there are a lot of countries listed. Which ones are the most important to Dani's story? Maybe take out the ones that aren't critical to who Dani is, what she wants and what's in the way of getting it.<br /><br />I know what you mean about the cigar scent landing on the taste buds, but it makes me picture Roland with his mouth hanging open:)<br /><br />The third paragraph of chapter one contains a lot of information which makes it flow a little less smoothly as dialogue. Is there a place to weave some of it in as the story unfolds?<br /><br />Good luck with your ms. I'm always ready to read the next great thriller.Christine Sarmelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06152192568260315003noreply@blogger.com