tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post5025280834587804719..comments2023-11-03T09:37:18.738-04:00Comments on Deana Barnhart: Rd 1 Agent Pitch Contest #7 - THE ONLY INFINITEDeanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958057331230037880noreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-85534829446136826712012-09-19T14:55:07.327-04:002012-09-19T14:55:07.327-04:00AHH!! Thank you so much, Hopey! You just made my d...AHH!! Thank you so much, Hopey! You just made my day. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-51994809497482646962012-09-19T14:21:16.325-04:002012-09-19T14:21:16.325-04:00TIE BREAKER VOTE - YOU MOVE TO THE NEXT ROUND!TIE BREAKER VOTE - YOU MOVE TO THE NEXT ROUND!Hopeynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-43914059888988855982012-09-19T13:48:43.564-04:002012-09-19T13:48:43.564-04:00Great galloping gumdrops! Thank you so much, Bab...Great galloping gumdrops! Thank you so much, Baby! :DAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-90627063071068294312012-09-19T11:16:03.634-04:002012-09-19T11:16:03.634-04:00YOU HAVE MY VOTE!YOU HAVE MY VOTE!Babynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-73962555440503995502012-09-19T11:07:29.376-04:002012-09-19T11:07:29.376-04:00Thanks, Traci! I’m still in shock. :)
I’m glad y...Thanks, Traci! I’m still in shock. :)<br /><br />I’m glad you liked my new query. Obviously the other judges have enough on their plates without reading TWO queries, but I’m really hoping if anyone is on the fence they might take the new version into account. *crosses fingers* Either way, GUTGAA has been such a fantastic experience!<br /><br />P.S. I was happy to see your query made it into this round! Good luck to you too. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-12024803451731785422012-09-19T10:43:17.187-04:002012-09-19T10:43:17.187-04:00Yay! Congrats on getting SugarMagnolia's vote....Yay! Congrats on getting SugarMagnolia's vote. Your new query is wonderful and really gave me a better feel for your story and drew me in immediately. I love the whole tree hut incident in your first 150 words. Great job and good luck!Traci VWhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18158949570719862850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-86932731954002229112012-09-18T21:57:55.618-04:002012-09-18T21:57:55.618-04:00Oh my gosh! Thank you so much! If I’m lucky enou...Oh my gosh! Thank you so much! If I’m lucky enough to move on, I’ll definitely use the second super shiny version of my query. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-2220755476371773532012-09-18T21:40:19.604-04:002012-09-18T21:40:19.604-04:00Okay, it's official:
YOU HAVE MY VOTE.
And ...Okay, it's official: <br /><br />YOU HAVE MY VOTE.<br /><br />And I totally think you should go with the second, world-building version of your query. Your first 150 words shine so much that you deserve a super shiny query to do them justice. The second one nails it!SugarMagnolianoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-13135756593783112292012-09-18T20:51:37.255-04:002012-09-18T20:51:37.255-04:00Thanks for the tip, SugarMagnolia! I’ve already f...Thanks for the tip, SugarMagnolia! I’ve already found a few sentences like this: “She pulled away, disgusted.” Of course, she’s disgusted! She pulled away, lol. Also, some dialogue tags like “growled” that seem unnecessary in context. It’s comforting to know little snips here and there add up. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-13421935259301453832012-09-18T19:51:06.346-04:002012-09-18T19:51:06.346-04:00Totally better to be honest, and I'm glad you ...Totally better to be honest, and I'm glad you are already working on your word count. I'm a pretty dense writer myself, so I actually had to chop 18,000 words of fluff out of my first novel when I signed with my agent.<br /><br />When in doubt, I recommend looking at what your characters are doing during dialogue. I found that I would describe completely extraneous stuff, like: <br /><br />"Thanks," he said, picking at the hem of his jeans and clearing his throat. <br /><br />"You're welcome," I said, biting my lip and tracing a line in the sand with my toe.<br /><br />I managed to cut those 18,000 words without sacrificing a single scene simply by chopping irrelevant stuff like those descriptions.<br /><br />Maybe this will be a helpful start for you, too. :)SugarMagnolianoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-57020178106490396492012-09-18T19:22:16.735-04:002012-09-18T19:22:16.735-04:00Thanks, SugarMagnolia! My word count raised conce...Thanks, SugarMagnolia! My word count raised concerns during Pitch Polish also, so I’m definitely scouring my manuscript for areas to trim. I just felt dishonest throwing a lower number on my entry since that new, slimmer manuscript does not yet exist.<br /><br />Thank you again for your kind words. The competition here is fierce, so I definitely don’t envy the decision you have to make. All the best. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-69530657324497970782012-09-18T16:52:42.708-04:002012-09-18T16:52:42.708-04:00(Hi again! I plan to give out comments during this...(Hi again! I plan to give out comments during this round, and then I'll give out my top ten votes as soon as I have critiqued everyone's queries.)<br /><br />What a cool concept! I was obsessed with Atlantis as a kid, and I love the idea that Atlantis could have spread everywhere.<br /><br />I also love your first 150 words. What a powerful--and different--opening. You've given us a great glimpse of Lena's character, and I'm really curious what is going on.<br /><br />A quick note on your word count. 80,000 seems long for an MG novel. While it's certainly not a death sentence, it may make your book a bit harder to sell. Is there any way you can condense it slightly?SugarMagnolianoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-1701236119416013302012-09-18T14:13:36.681-04:002012-09-18T14:13:36.681-04:00Thank you so much, Lindsey! I'm not usually a...Thank you so much, Lindsey! I'm not usually a reader of paranormal romance, but your query sucked me right in too. Maybe we'll both make converts of the other! :DAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-25148633050850034632012-09-18T14:06:49.116-04:002012-09-18T14:06:49.116-04:00Love, love, love this. Your pitch has only gotten ...Love, love, love this. Your pitch has only gotten better since the pitch polish. Guess that's the point, right? Haha I think going with Cuckoo McQuackers was a good decision. Anything could have worked but if that's what Lena would say, that's what I'd have written too!<br /><br />I'm normally not a reader of MG (Maybe b/c the MC's are usually too young for my taste) but I'd give this one a read because it just sounds so great!<br /><br />:)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09044517745312922540noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-45878893382278756042012-09-18T13:39:07.865-04:002012-09-18T13:39:07.865-04:00Thanks, Don! Haha, no, they don’t have gills. I ...Thanks, Don! Haha, no, they don’t have gills. I just wasn’t sure how the term “surface dwellers” would go over. Maybe I could reword it: “…and even its most basic medical drones put doctors on Earth’s surface to shame.”<br /><br />(No offense to any doctors out there!) ;)<br /><br />I know Pitch Polish is over, so thank you so much for taking the time to review yet another version of my query. You're the best!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-45963398304738115942012-09-18T13:31:59.986-04:002012-09-18T13:31:59.986-04:00Thanks, Adriana! I know Pitch Polish is over, so ...Thanks, Adriana! I know Pitch Polish is over, so thanks for taking the extra time to review my new query. It’s too late for GUTGAA, but at least now I know to use the second one moving forward. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-86597583058066879852012-09-18T13:28:43.496-04:002012-09-18T13:28:43.496-04:00Hi,
This one definitely explains the story better...Hi,<br /><br />This one definitely explains the story better, but I don't like this line:<br /><br /><i>...and its medical technologies put human treatments to shame.</i><br /><br />I don't like the word "treatment" here, and aren't the residents of Atlantis human too? Or do they have gills (serious question)? <br /><br />I like that you added Lena's age.Donald Caponehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16903164976265954815noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-63164017481097678812012-09-18T12:41:32.047-04:002012-09-18T12:41:32.047-04:00Hey Jayme! I like both queries, but the second one...Hey Jayme! I like both queries, but the second one does grab me more. The first one was just a tiny bit hard to grasp at first go, because I didn't realize when you said "Atlantis" you were speaking about the lost city (but I got that at the end of the sentence, and then went back and re-read). Love your voice. :D This definitely needs a vote, simply so I can read it in book form! :)Adriana Ryanhttp://adrianaryan.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-64195882465703365382012-09-18T12:30:15.493-04:002012-09-18T12:30:15.493-04:00Pitch Polish is technically over, but to those of ...Pitch Polish is technically over, but to those of you dropping by (1) HI! and (2) do you think my query would be stronger if I start with world building? Maybe something like:<br /><br />In a single day and night of misfortune, the island of Atlantis disappeared into the sea… exactly as it was meant to. In the centuries since, it has spread under every continent, far beneath the reach of even the deepest drills. Today, its high speed train tunnels crisscross Earth’s mantle, and its medical technologies put human treatments to shame.<br /><br />Twelve-year-old Lena learns this firsthand when a freak accident lands her brother in a wheelchair. The doctors can’t heal him, but a stranger named Feore can. In return, she agrees to spend a year as a human exchange student at his school in Atlantis, where gadgets spice up everything from gym class to the way she brushes her teeth.<br /><br />Best (and worst) of all, Lena learns her mother’s final gift, a necklace, is much more than it seems. The more she gets to know Feore, the more she worries he’d do anything to possess its secrets – maybe even arrange the accident that put her brother in a wheelchair to begin with. And, if he’d do that to lure her to Atlantis, she fears how far he’d go to keep her there. Forever.<br /><br />Thanks again to anyone who’s dropped by! This whole GUTGAA experience and community has been so amazing. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-49760577903992324942012-09-18T07:58:32.412-04:002012-09-18T07:58:32.412-04:00Julie – I didn’t know you were on Twitter! I’m he...Julie – I didn’t know you were on Twitter! I’m heading over right now to say hi. :)<br /> <br />Thanks, Cheryl! Good luck to you too. :)<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-81908913811851872932012-09-18T04:01:56.898-04:002012-09-18T04:01:56.898-04:00Jayme - this is awesome. What a great concept and ...Jayme - this is awesome. What a great concept and a great hook! GL!Cheryl Koevoethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10329352060831213854noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-56370794122233215162012-09-18T01:40:24.258-04:002012-09-18T01:40:24.258-04:00Hi Jayme
Thanks for asking. I decided to enter my...Hi Jayme <br />Thanks for asking. I decided to enter my finished MS pitch no 10 On Deanas blog. <br />I didn't get to finish Vesper Venti in time. I'd love to follow your progress on twitter. You can find me at jujuberry37Jambohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01704840860387375378noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-38499216171888400662012-09-17T19:49:50.664-04:002012-09-17T19:49:50.664-04:00HAHA! Thanks, Don. I hope the judges are too. ;) ...HAHA! Thanks, Don. I hope the judges are too. ;) Good luck to you as well (not that you need it with that rockin' query of yours!)<br /><br />Thanks, Julie! I've been through a few entries, but I haven't seen Vesper Venti yet. Did your query make it in? If so, I'm cheering for you too. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-26971153262957437592012-09-17T18:58:44.388-04:002012-09-17T18:58:44.388-04:00Hi Jayme best of luck. I love the query changes. C...Hi Jayme best of luck. I love the query changes. Cheering you on from OzJambohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01704840860387375378noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-82752207266083166402012-09-17T18:58:29.328-04:002012-09-17T18:58:29.328-04:00Hi Jayme best of luck. I love the query changes. C...Hi Jayme best of luck. I love the query changes. Cheering you on from OzJambohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01704840860387375378noreply@blogger.com