tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post552886954813577698..comments2023-11-03T09:37:18.738-04:00Comments on Deana Barnhart: Rd 1 Agent Pitch Contest #31 - JOHNNY DRAKE, TIME TRAVELERDeanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958057331230037880noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-85098219518649946312012-09-17T23:53:09.390-04:002012-09-17T23:53:09.390-04:00(Hi again! I plan to give out comments during this...(Hi again! I plan to give out comments during this round, and then I'll give out my top ten votes as soon as I have critiqued everyone's queries.)<br /><br />What a great start! Your first 150 words immediately drew me in, and I think you really hit your stride in the third paragraph. Your voice is confident and engaging, and Johnny seems like a dynamic, interesting narrator. I also like the fact that he cares so much about his teacher; this speaks volumes for who he is.<br /><br />This is just a tiny detail, but did you realize you used two colons in the first paragraph? Colons are such statement punctuations that I would recommend cutting one or the other. I also had a tiny problem with those two sentences (one in the query, one in the 150 words) where you interjected the word "though." Maybe it's just a funny quirk of mine, but I felt like those sentences didn't read as smoothly as I would have liked.<br /><br />Very minor details in an otherwise super promising query. Excellent job!SugarMagnolianoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-49662079289542174542012-09-17T13:23:44.403-04:002012-09-17T13:23:44.403-04:00This was already one of my favorite Pitch Polish e...This was already one of my favorite Pitch Polish entries, but the extra backstory in this version makes it even more of a standout. Good luck! :)Jaymehttps://twitter.com/writerjaymenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-10352870854915976472012-09-17T12:15:18.654-04:002012-09-17T12:15:18.654-04:00Thanks for participating! My plan is to read throu...Thanks for participating! My plan is to read through all the entries and then begin my comments and critiques. I will give out my top ten my votes when I'm finished.<br /><br />Best of luck to you, and stay tuned!SugarMagnolianoreply@blogger.com