tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post9103277296828999320..comments2023-11-03T09:37:18.738-04:00Comments on Deana Barnhart: Pitch Polish #96Deanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958057331230037880noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-50891286986001824902012-09-11T11:51:44.778-04:002012-09-11T11:51:44.778-04:00The first line of the query definitely grabs my at...The first line of the query definitely grabs my attention. In fact, the query is just the right amount of explanation and fun. I really like the lesbian love affair and the factory farming angles that are also going on here--just enough to keep the reader on her toes. I would definitely read this mystery.<br /><br />I agree with some of the other comments regarding the first line of the 150 words. Starting with someone else's dialogue can be a bit confusing. But I like the dialogue itself. And her internal monoglue definitely gives us a sense of her voice.MPH2003noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-31297777489256329352012-09-10T21:38:03.347-04:002012-09-10T21:38:03.347-04:00I'm torn on this one. On one hand, I like the ...I'm torn on this one. On one hand, I like the flow of the query. I think it's got good balance and introduces the reader to the story pretty well. On the other hand, I feel like it's hiding the importance of the big idea... this is a murder mystery. Other than the first line, you might not even notice that someone was killed from the query. It's more about restaurants, fine dining, food trends, and the quirky and interesting people inhabiting the world of the modern gourmand.<br><br />I think you need to focus more on the plot and less on the setting. The lesbian love affair is interesting (and dropped in perfectly, information-wise). Despite the quirkiness, all the talk about restaurants made my mind start to drift, and it really shouldn't in the query. This is a murder mystery (and a short one at that); it's thrilling by definition. Michael McDuffeehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15636273468382695825noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-35608762532081741982012-09-10T20:37:01.126-04:002012-09-10T20:37:01.126-04:00I love your title! I like your hook too but I thi...I love your title! I like your hook too but I think it would do just as well without this part "a civil attorney who practically grew up in the kitchen of an old-style Italian eatery"<br /><br />Other than that I love it!!!I think you have a great use of language and an interesting story line. Good job and good luck :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03300464291611313103noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-43746513297897147242012-09-10T20:32:25.319-04:002012-09-10T20:32:25.319-04:00I have one teeny tiny suggestion for your query. &...I have one teeny tiny suggestion for your query. "A Matter of Taste juxtaposes the world of a traditional, family-run restaurant with that of trendy, politically-correct foodies." I would maybe move that into the paragraph in your query where you're talking about genre, word count and your credentials. The first paragraph served to draw me into the query, but the opening sentence of the second pushed me out.<br /><br />Otherwise, I think your query looks great!<br /><br />First 150: I have been cautioned (and maybe even reprimanded) for starting my manuscript with dialog. As much as I wanted to ignore that advice, I've seen more interest in it since I took the dialog out. I love the description of Wanda, especially the "just this side of elderly". Great job!Brittany Patehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05348388490215966474noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-72522455817411279962012-09-10T19:27:12.188-04:002012-09-10T19:27:12.188-04:00I really like this idea, although I must confess I...I really like this idea, although I must confess I don't read a lot of cozy mysteries. I have no suggestions for the query - I think it works well and I would be interested to read more. <br /><br />I'm not sure about starting the story w/ this other lady, who is described brilliantly. I am wondering who she is and what she has to do with the story. It seems the third paragraph with the MC's thoughts explains that this is a setup for "maybe I should have stayed back at the family restaurant" & then she's going to get the chance to see what might have been? Is that a correct assumption? Maybe start with that thought process, then lead into Wanda? Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com