tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post1700024654711494646..comments2023-11-03T09:37:18.738-04:00Comments on Deana Barnhart: 1st Rd Sm Press Contest #10 - Forbidden SecretsDeanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958057331230037880noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-76348552688303232872012-10-02T23:52:32.821-04:002012-10-02T23:52:32.821-04:00P.S. Can you do better than "Forbidden Secret...P.S. Can you do better than "Forbidden Secrets" as a title? Forgive me, I'm a title snob. :)Lone Starnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-91917784425637023792012-10-02T23:51:50.617-04:002012-10-02T23:51:50.617-04:00The query is well-written, but is sounds like a ro...The query is well-written, but is sounds like a romance query. Is this a romance? If not, you may need to focus more on the meat of the plot. What is the MC's primary goal? What gets in the way? Right now it sounds like it's mostly a story about their relationship.<br /><br />Nitpick - First paragraph, last sentence, I think it would work better without "And". "And" makes me think you're going to continue on with the "Wouldn't" line.<br /><br />Good voice, the first 150 was strong overall. It's weird that I said this for two different entries but the scar that hurts when she's in danger just makes me think Harry Potter.Lone Starnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-57071368243208079142012-10-01T21:46:30.432-04:002012-10-01T21:46:30.432-04:00Nitpick: Trying to forget about the mugging and av...Nitpick: Trying to forget about the mugging and avoid the label “Koo Koo Kyra” are priority number-one.<br /><br />Those are two priorities that are probably tied for number-one. :)<br /><br />One point of confusion after reading the first 150: Is she having visions of a possible reality (as in the future) or by visions of an alternate reality (like a parallel universe)? That makes the difference with the line that says she is haunted by visions of Aidan's death. If what she dreams comes true, then that ups the stakes even higher. <br /><br />I love that it is Romeo & Juliet meets Highlander! The premise sounds very intriguing and definitely something I would read! I hope you make it to the next round!Mara Valderranhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04718957990733048214noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-41449741317171694122012-10-01T19:41:39.001-04:002012-10-01T19:41:39.001-04:00The choice you give at the end of the final paragr...The choice you give at the end of the final paragraph needs to be reworded. You've told us he needs to choose either betraying his family or saving the girl and to me, that's an obvious choice. I think you might have meant, betraying his family or sacrificing the girl. Not sure, but as is it doesn't have the same effect.<br /><br />That was really the only thing I picked up. Strong query and opening paragraphs :)Heather M Bryanthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17991599364208766781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-34158903101363509722012-10-01T19:38:09.744-04:002012-10-01T19:38:09.744-04:00Hey, Entry #10!
I’m going around giving everyone...Hey, Entry #10! <br /><br />I’m going around giving everyone at least one critique and one positive today. (Maybe more, if I spot something helpful.)<br /><br /><b>Positive:</b><br />- I'm intrigued. :)<br /><br /><b>Critique:</b><br />- This sentence stumbled me: “She squeezed her forehead, like [she was] trying to stave off a tension headache.”<br /><br />Best of luck! :)Honey Badgernoreply@blogger.com