tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post2000453226914072379..comments2023-11-03T09:37:18.738-04:00Comments on Deana Barnhart: 1st Rd Sm Press Contest #4 - PureDeanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958057331230037880noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-27304978428307659902012-10-01T20:49:03.323-04:002012-10-01T20:49:03.323-04:00I love this query so much I just sent it to my roo...I love this query so much I just sent it to my roommate so she could be just as tortured by the fact that she can't read it yet as I am! <br /><br />My only critique would be to take out the beginning "In Pure". The agent/editor will know that, so it seems a bit redundant and dull, especially for the query that follows. A better opening line with more action would serve as more of a draw and a hook, but I think the rest of the query does the trick. At least for me. <br /><br />If you need a beta-reader, you know where to look! Mara Valderranhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04718957990733048214noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-15818412958402958672012-10-01T18:57:15.943-04:002012-10-01T18:57:15.943-04:00Hey, Entry #4!
I’m going around giving everyone ...Hey, Entry #4! <br /><br />I’m going around giving everyone at least one critique and one positive today. (Maybe more, if I spot something helpful.)<br /><br /><b>Positive:</b><br />- I love what’s at stake here!<br /><br /><b>Critique:</b><br />- Avoid telling whenever possible, e.g. “In PURE, sixteen-year-old Katie Wickliff makes…” Start with the turning point. The day things change. Show us the character, the -conflict, and the choice she faces.<br /><br />Best of luck! :)Honey Badgernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-45205942924165922912012-10-01T18:04:33.213-04:002012-10-01T18:04:33.213-04:00I like this concept. Although the dreaded v-word c...I like this concept. Although the dreaded v-word can turn people off these days, I think the fact that they are Russian could give this story a unique flavor. I also like the intrigue of whether or not William is her protector or the creature.<br /><br />Your query is strong, just a little long. Here is a way to possibly cut down the first sentence. "Sixteen-year-old Katie Wickliff has lived with her grandmother in the small town of Elspeth's Grove since they came to the U.S. from Russia when Katie was only five years old. "Lone Starnoreply@blogger.com