tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post2729510715316854803..comments2023-11-03T09:37:18.738-04:00Comments on Deana Barnhart: Show Me the Voice! BlogfestDeanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958057331230037880noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-85842496404146220152011-03-22T18:24:24.882-04:002011-03-22T18:24:24.882-04:00It needs some tightening up in places because ther...It needs some tightening up in places because there many deadweight words and phrases (such as adverbs, 'probably' 'actually' 'practically') these are weighing down your writing. The set-up is intriguing though.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-32384879797851161102011-03-22T16:19:22.353-04:002011-03-22T16:19:22.353-04:00Thanks for all the comments. I take them all to h...Thanks for all the comments. I take them all to heart!Deanahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17958057331230037880noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-23241509479876701282011-03-21T19:54:00.615-04:002011-03-21T19:54:00.615-04:00I really liked this piece, first paragraph capture...I really liked this piece, first paragraph captured my interest right away. Second paragraph may/may not be needed at all, or perhaps trimmed down. Then third and fourth para's grabbed me again and held me prisoner! :-))Christina Mercerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09938707461943582486noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-24649944499205537762011-03-21T17:53:09.828-04:002011-03-21T17:53:09.828-04:00I really liked this, especially the last line. I j...I really liked this, especially the last line. I just wonder if you might want to get to the action and outside of Jonas' head a little sooner.Nicole Zoltackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07464800543376449290noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-38645693589909811732011-03-21T17:43:34.218-04:002011-03-21T17:43:34.218-04:00This had a really strong opening, but you lost the...This had a really strong opening, but you lost the momentum with that second sentence. It's overwritten due to the 'practically bouncing' bit. I can't see it, and it would read a lot better if you simply say she is skipping. <br /><br />I must say, its quite fascinating (reminds me a bit of Meet Joe Black starring Brad Pitt), and that last line was a killer! (Pun very much intended :D) I do look forward to reading this. <br /><br />Good Luck! :DT.D. McFrosthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12923335522993845076noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-17604248557972619132011-03-21T11:12:58.915-04:002011-03-21T11:12:58.915-04:00I love this entry! Loved it last week and still lo...I love this entry! Loved it last week and still love it! <br /><br />But Lori is right. The only problematic thing about your blog is the font. You should choose a more reader-friendly one. The more common the better.Gabriela Lessahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02265214314915980398noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-82644488897488398912011-03-20T23:14:44.012-04:002011-03-20T23:14:44.012-04:00I had trouble reading this b/c of the font. As to ...I had trouble reading this b/c of the font. As to the actual entry, I really liked it. It's intriguing and I'd love to find out why Jonas sees death and what he is exactly.Lori M. Leehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04858438789496971734noreply@blogger.com