tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post2858781710918672664..comments2023-11-03T09:37:18.738-04:00Comments on Deana Barnhart: 1st Rd Sm Press Contest #12 - DemolitionDeanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958057331230037880noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-7717692156788300492012-10-03T16:54:39.471-04:002012-10-03T16:54:39.471-04:00After I read the first paragraph of the query I wa...After I read the first paragraph of the query I was like, "What?!" but in a good way. :) The story sounds quirky and refreshingly different. I love the love story between the guy and the third gender person! I would want to read this just to see how that turned out. The structure of the query is a little off. The first paragraph feels like a stand-alone pitch. The second paragraph mentions the reader which is strange for a query. I think you should start with paragraph two and leave out the part about it being up to the reader to decide Aidan's gender and just say he/she is an inbetween. Then add the "Think Lord of the Flies..." comp at the end along with the title, word count, and genre.<br /><br />I would love to see how you pull this all off, so you've got my vote!Lone Starnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-54862864280388313962012-10-03T12:55:15.605-04:002012-10-03T12:55:15.605-04:00I'm voting for you.I'm voting for you.Escape Artistnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-75880529765675494472012-10-03T12:27:03.750-04:002012-10-03T12:27:03.750-04:00I love the concept of the middle gender. Your writ...I love the concept of the middle gender. Your writing in the first words is strong. I do agree that the query needs some tweaking. Escape Artistnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-86201468757938763542012-10-01T22:49:40.032-04:002012-10-01T22:49:40.032-04:00I agree--the first 150 were great (though I think ...I agree--the first 150 were great (though I think noplace should be no place?) but the query doesn't show any sign of your voice. Here's what I would suggest:<br /><br />Paragraph 1: Let this introduce MC1 (I think Aidan) and give us a hook. <br /><br />Paragraph 2: Intro to Lawson and the tribes.<br /><br />Paragraph 3: The stakes and the "ruh-roh" factor as I like to call it. You start to do this with paragraph 3, but don't quite give us enough to go on. Why would their attraction destroy D-town? If the two tribes just don't mix, that doesn't link up as well as if the two tribes hate each other. <br /><br />Hope this helps! Love the concept of a third gender where the reader can essentially choose the sex!Mara Valderranhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04718957990733048214noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-33156968996898907052012-10-01T19:57:52.816-04:002012-10-01T19:57:52.816-04:00The part of your book actually shown has some good...The part of your book actually shown has some good writing however the query falls short. The whole concept of a 'third gender' is confusing, and you've listed this piece as being a dystopian however I don't get that from the query. The vibe I got was a political/religious piece. The little snippets of plot I picked up sounded really cool, I'd say focus on the specifics rather than telling us about the genders, the fact the Bees are celibate, etc. Give us the juicy parts of the book and leave those other things to be found out in a more natural way :)Heather M Bryanthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17991599364208766781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-91298621934574780932012-10-01T19:46:51.993-04:002012-10-01T19:46:51.993-04:00Hey, Entry #12!
I’m going around giving everyone...Hey, Entry #12! <br /><br />I’m going around giving everyone at least one critique and one positive today. (Maybe more, if I spot something helpful.)<br /><br /><b>Positive:</b><br />- I really enjoyed the first 150.<br /><br /><b>Critique:</b><br />- I saw a lot of telling—as opposed to showing—in this query. We want to see the character, conflict, and choice. Do that, and we’ll draw the appropriate conclusions. :)<br /><br />Best of luck!Honey Badgernoreply@blogger.com