tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post613497373328785452..comments2023-11-03T09:37:18.738-04:00Comments on Deana Barnhart: Rd 1 Agent Pitch Contest #20 - MIRROR OF SAND AND FLAMEDeanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958057331230037880noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-30333193383858619272012-09-18T15:41:56.211-04:002012-09-18T15:41:56.211-04:00(Hi again! I plan to give out comments during this...(Hi again! I plan to give out comments during this round, and then I'll give out my top ten votes as soon as I have critiqued everyone's queries.)<br /><br />What a great voice! Zeb sounds unique and masculine, and I can only imagine all the excitement he will get into in the mines. Your writing is evocative, and it sounds like you have a great story on your hands.<br /><br />I just have one small point for you. Although your first 150 words were very rich, I struggled a little to know exactly what was going on. The phrase about Jason in science confused me, and I think Zeb would seem more confused if he were actually startling awake from sleepwalking. <br /><br />That being said, I love the choppiness, and I love Zeb's stream of consciousness. Very well done!SugarMagnolianoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-36118454133586905882012-09-18T09:35:11.473-04:002012-09-18T09:35:11.473-04:00I like the way you changed the beginning of the fi...I like the way you changed the beginning of the first 150. It's more concise. I still love the voice - it's subtle and different! :)gailecnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08004265486129312885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-1479107053861745382012-09-18T05:43:46.209-04:002012-09-18T05:43:46.209-04:00You perfected the query, but the sample reads real...You perfected the query, but the sample reads really choppy (e.g. Took another dozen stumbling paces... is missing an "I"). I know you're trying to show his confusion and disorientation, but it's not working for me.<br /><br />I love the sentence "That brain’s been in there for twelve years, time to switch it on" but it jerks me out of the nightmarish setting, and makes me wonder what science has to do with where he is now. Especially since I didn't even realize that he didn't know his own whereabouts in the first place.<br /><br />If he sleepwalked, should he really look out for fences, house windows, and cars? I'd expect him to wonder about his bed, why he's standing outdoors in a pajama, and where his parents might be.<br /><br />And I'd expect a lot more confusion. Right in the first sentence, you state where he is, and since your writing form his POV, I assumed he knows too. But in the 3rd paragraph, you tell us he doesn't. It doesn't fit together.<br /><br />Sorry to say so many negative things but the writing in your query shows that you can do better. And I'd be delighted to read the story. The premise sounds so cool.Katharina Gerlachhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00223722392075669331noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-9053220197118361342012-09-17T12:10:37.559-04:002012-09-17T12:10:37.559-04:00Thanks for participating! My plan is to read throu...Thanks for participating! My plan is to read through all the entries and then begin my comments and critiques. I will give out my top ten my votes when I'm finished.<br /><br />Best of luck to you, and stay tuned!SugarMagnolianoreply@blogger.com