tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post956412452943386806..comments2023-11-03T09:37:18.738-04:00Comments on Deana Barnhart: Rd 1 Agent Pitch Contest #2 - LUCKY FOR MEDeanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958057331230037880noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-39702056742173903482012-09-19T14:37:01.759-04:002012-09-19T14:37:01.759-04:00This is a super cute idea. I love fairytales!
Add...This is a super cute idea. I love fairytales!<br /><br />Adding more voice in the query would really bring it to life. Certain agents don't allow anything from the text so we need to get a sense of who your character is. We don't know her name or age. In the 150 I have a hard time telling her age as well. If this is a picture book I'm assuming she's young but she reads a little older. And with her wanting a kiss form a prince I'm assuming she's older as well. <br /><br />Like I said great story idea!The Roosternoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-89553897595502983962012-09-18T20:12:44.213-04:002012-09-18T20:12:44.213-04:00(Hi again! I plan to give out comments during this...(Hi again! I plan to give out comments during this round, and then I'll give out my top ten votes as soon as I have critiqued everyone's queries.)<br /><br />I love your query hook, and I love the girl-empowering message of this story.<br /><br />My biggest concern is that I don't immediately assign mental pictures to the things that are going on while I read the first 150 words. I'm not sure how old this girl is, and I'm not sure where she actually is. (At her house? In a forest? Is this make-believe or real?)<br /><br />I just read your comment above, and I now realize her mother is the witch. This is such a cute idea that I think you could definitely spell this out more in your query. As it stands, your query reads more like a query teaser to me. It's evocative and lovely, but it doesn't really tell me all the things I need to know to set myself up for your first 150 words.<br /><br />Still a very nice job. With some query fattening, I think we will definitely "see" your story shine through!SugarMagnolianoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-64902881037732723422012-09-18T08:27:19.514-04:002012-09-18T08:27:19.514-04:00Sorry for the typos. On my phone!Sorry for the typos. On my phone!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-77655440241718427082012-09-18T08:25:42.848-04:002012-09-18T08:25:42.848-04:00Thank you Anon and Tracy. Yes, its Mom and Dad in ...Thank you Anon and Tracy. Yes, its Mom and Dad in the story. Everything is speller out as the story goes on, bit a stronger query couldn't hurt! Thanks again!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-58548146554082859972012-09-17T22:43:14.426-04:002012-09-17T22:43:14.426-04:00I love her voice and would love to know her name. ...I love her voice and would love to know her name. I agree with comment #2 that the query could be stronger in introducing the characters. I also assume that Mommy is the witch and Daddy is the prince, and I think that while the girl's adorable voice that can be even stronger.Tracy MacDonaldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03615611919340469444noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-82361457638210587142012-09-17T14:09:34.665-04:002012-09-17T14:09:34.665-04:00I wonder if a longer query would help clear up som...I wonder if a longer query would help clear up some of my confusion. I get the impression from the first 150 words that the witch is Mom and the prince may be Dad, but those are just guesses to make the story age appropriate. <br />It wasn't clear why the protagonist thinks a nap potion made her sleepy since she tells us she's immune to magic potions. I'd also like the conflict spelled out in the first 150 words. She didn't get a kiss, she's hungry and she also just seems to be on an adventure. IMO the idea is cute but the focus could be improved to make this story really pop!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016505486794178553.post-9883631671603147162012-09-17T12:02:50.638-04:002012-09-17T12:02:50.638-04:00Thanks for participating! My plan is to read throu...Thanks for participating! My plan is to read through all the entries and then begin my comments and critiques. I will give out my top ten my votes when I'm finished.<br /><br />Best of luck to you, and stay tuned!SugarMagnolianoreply@blogger.com