ONE FIFTY ONE
YA sci-fi/fantasy
96,000 words
Query:
Stay in the 150, you live. Fall out, and take your chances down below…
17-year-old Aeneas doesn’t belong to a Colony. As the bloody scars on his back remind him, he was one more than needed. One more than necessary. The order, hierarchy, and safety of the Colony Spires are a mystery to him, their members strangers, their rulers unknown. He survives as a thief in the depths of the Ilium Underground, until his world begins to slowly fall apart: a mobster tortures him for secrets, the band of pirates that raised him is slaughtered in cold blood, and the Ilium Secret Police seem to be following his every move.
Then he meets Casseopea, a newly-orphaned girl from the Colonies, and his world turns around once more. All is not well in her Colony: the new Head Mistress is terrorizing its members, a secret rebellion is brewing, and the Chieftain Memnon has cast her out in order to help him find a mystical Key. Only by joining forces with this mysterious girl will Aeneas learn the truth about his past, unlock the power of the Key, and change the fate of Ilium forever.
FIRST 150
This can’t be the true Son of Ilium.
Panicked thoughts swept through Memnon’s throbbing forehead as he reached for the silver-plated battle axe that had hung from his war belt since he was a young man. Cool steel-coloured eyes bore into him from the intruder—the boy—watching his every move. Tattered robes, soiled from the filth of the city Underground, lay at the boy’s feet.
First a beggar, now a boy. This can’t be the true Son of Ilium.
Memnon’s heart beat a little faster. The axe wasn’t there. Only nothingness. It should have been there—it was always there. Instead, the cold leather of his belt gave way to the folds of velvet from his tunic. Something wet. Something warm.
Blood?
He felt more eyes on him now. He was surrounded. The Elders of the Colony. His people. But they weren’t his people anymore. Not now. Not with this boy, this stranger, this outcast, standing in his way.
I thought your query did a good job of introducing us to your world and the characters. I also liked the greek mythos you are borrowing from for this. I don't understand the 150 reference, though, and since it's your title and mentioned in your query, you may need to make that more obvious.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing your opening is from a prologue? I would recommend that you take a hard look at your prologue and see if it's really necessary, as many agents will see it and immediately discount your story for it. As it is, your opening feels like we are starting with the final conflict, not the beginning of your story. Maybe you want that...given the introduction of the prophecy.
Would suggest changing the following:
"Cool steel-coloured eyes bore into him from the intruder—the boy"
to:
"The intruder's cool, steel-colored eyes bore into him. The boy watched his every move."
Also took me a minute to realize he hadn't grabbed his ax in the first paragraph, but that he was in the process of reaching for it. May want to play with ways of bringing that action and reaction closer together so as to aid comprehension.
Best of luck with this.
I'm not sure what Aeneas wants in this query. Is it revenge? Is it a home? The last sentence says he wants to learn the truth about his past, but nowhere in the setup is that important to him. It lacks Aeneas' motivation. Also, it feels like maybe this query stops too soon, before we know what the Key means. What can it do? Why is it important to Aeneas' goals?
ReplyDeleteI hope this helps.
Stay in the 150, you live. Fall out, and take your chances down below… [THIS PART LOST ME STRAIGHT UP. I WAS WAITING FOR IT TO BE EXPLAINED BUT IT WASN'T.]
ReplyDelete17-year-old Aeneas doesn’t belong to a Colony. As the bloody scars on his back remind him, he was one more than needed. One more than necessary. [I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE 'ONE MORE' REFERENCE. DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE 150?] The order, hierarchy, and safety of the Colony Spires are a mystery to him, their members strangers, their rulers unknown. He survives as a thief in the depths of the Ilium Underground, until his world begins to slowly [CUT SLOWLY] fall apart: a mobster tortures him for secrets, the band of pirates [NICE!] that raised him is slaughtered in cold blood, and the Ilium Secret Police seem to be following his every move.
Then he meets Casseopea, a newly-orphaned girl from the Colonies, and his world turns around once more. All is not well in her Colony: the new Head Mistress is terrorizing its members, a secret rebellion is brewing, and the Chieftain Memnon has cast her out in order to help him find a mystical Key. Only by joining forces with this mysterious girl will Aeneas learn the truth about his past, unlock the power of the Key, and change the fate of Ilium forever. [BTU WHY DOES HE WANT TO DO ANY OF THESE THINGS? WHY NOT JUST GRAB SOME ICE CREAM AND HEAD TO THE BEACH? SEEMS SIMPLER TO ME]
Okay, I know there's a lot written there but this sounds intriguing. It has a very mythical feel to it, but if you're classifying it as sci-fi you should probably include some of those elements too. Focus on some more of the specifics (like the pirates) and add in the stakes - what MAKES him do these things. It sounds like you've got a pretty solid idea.