Lucky For Me
Picture book
452 words
QUERY:
Fairy tales are never far away, at least not when you have an imagination as big as a castle! One little girl’s idea of sleeping beauty has nothing to do with damsels in distress as she battles a witch, a dragon, and a playpen full of trolls. She has one goal in mind—get her kiss from the prince!
FIRST 150 WORDS:
I fight to keep my eyes open, but I’m just so sleepy. It might be that magic nap potion the old witch gave me…
Lucky for me I’m immune to magic potions. I climb from my bed and trek through the forest, looking for the road back to my castle. I didn’t get my kiss from the prince. Besides, I’m hungry and there’s always something to eat in the royal kitchen.
The forest is thick with vines and trees and stuff.
Lucky for me I have my trusty sword. It can cut through the thickest mess—the package says so itself. I slice and dice a path through the forest.
“Aren’t you supposed to be sleeping?” I hear the witch cackle. She must be following me.
“I’m not tired yet!” I call back, peeking over my shoulder to see if she’s gaining ground.
Lucky for me she’s been thwarted by the vines.
Thanks for participating! My plan is to read through all the entries and then begin my comments and critiques. I will give out my top ten my votes when I'm finished.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck to you, and stay tuned!
I wonder if a longer query would help clear up some of my confusion. I get the impression from the first 150 words that the witch is Mom and the prince may be Dad, but those are just guesses to make the story age appropriate.
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't clear why the protagonist thinks a nap potion made her sleepy since she tells us she's immune to magic potions. I'd also like the conflict spelled out in the first 150 words. She didn't get a kiss, she's hungry and she also just seems to be on an adventure. IMO the idea is cute but the focus could be improved to make this story really pop!
I love her voice and would love to know her name. I agree with comment #2 that the query could be stronger in introducing the characters. I also assume that Mommy is the witch and Daddy is the prince, and I think that while the girl's adorable voice that can be even stronger.
ReplyDeleteThank you Anon and Tracy. Yes, its Mom and Dad in the story. Everything is speller out as the story goes on, bit a stronger query couldn't hurt! Thanks again!
ReplyDeleteSorry for the typos. On my phone!
ReplyDelete(Hi again! I plan to give out comments during this round, and then I'll give out my top ten votes as soon as I have critiqued everyone's queries.)
ReplyDeleteI love your query hook, and I love the girl-empowering message of this story.
My biggest concern is that I don't immediately assign mental pictures to the things that are going on while I read the first 150 words. I'm not sure how old this girl is, and I'm not sure where she actually is. (At her house? In a forest? Is this make-believe or real?)
I just read your comment above, and I now realize her mother is the witch. This is such a cute idea that I think you could definitely spell this out more in your query. As it stands, your query reads more like a query teaser to me. It's evocative and lovely, but it doesn't really tell me all the things I need to know to set myself up for your first 150 words.
Still a very nice job. With some query fattening, I think we will definitely "see" your story shine through!
This is a super cute idea. I love fairytales!
ReplyDeleteAdding more voice in the query would really bring it to life. Certain agents don't allow anything from the text so we need to get a sense of who your character is. We don't know her name or age. In the 150 I have a hard time telling her age as well. If this is a picture book I'm assuming she's young but she reads a little older. And with her wanting a kiss form a prince I'm assuming she's older as well.
Like I said great story idea!