Terry and the Folding Rule of Time
MG historical fantasy (time travel)
35000
QUERY:
When twelve-year-old tomboy Teresa Roots pranks the wrong teacher, a wet and angry Mrs. Klio raises a thunderstorm in the classroom and gives her a homework assignment that changes her life. Literally. See, Mrs. Klio is the Muse of History, and she tricks Terry into using a magical folding rule (a folding measuring stick) that opens a portal in time.
Terry lands smack-dab in the path of her great-great-grandfather in 1866 Germany. But her arrival prevents his emigration and makes it impossible for Terry to finish her extra homework, finding out his
reasons for leaving his home country. Even worse, back home in her own time, she finds herself in Germany living with a mother she doesn't know. To set things right, she has to return to the past and get her great-great-grandfather on a boat to America before recruiting officers of the army draft him into service. If she fails, the family she remembers will vanish forever. And the only person she can turn to
is Mrs. Klio.
FIRST 150:
Second bell for science -- I hated old Bodger on the best of days but most of all on Monday mornings. Stretching my gangly legs, I tried not to look at old Bodger's chair, which I'd soaked with ice water. I smiled a little. Not too much. That would alert him, and he'd guess right away it was me who snuck into class before first bell. I couldn't wait to see his face. In fact, I felt downright smug until the door opened.
Instead of old Bodger, the principal entered, slumped and mousy. A lady followed with measured steps, nearly a head taller than the principal. Gorgeous black hair flowed in waves to her waist, the exact opposite to my straw-colored bob. It framed a perfect face. I remember dad telling me that a symmetric face didn't exist, but here it was. I forced myself to close my mouth, noticing that her dress looked somehow old-fashioned.
The word "opposite" is missing between "exact" and "to", but I swear I send it with the sample.
ReplyDeleteHey Cat! You're right. I don't know what happened there, but I fixed it for you. Sorry about that:)
ReplyDeleteThanks for participating! My plan is to read through all the entries and then begin my comments and critiques. I will give out my top ten my votes when I'm finished.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck to you, and stay tuned!
It’s so awesome to see how far your query and pages came in just a week! I can't wait to find out what happens with Terry and Mrs. Klio. Good luck! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for adjusting it, Deana. Also, thanks for hosting this. It's awesome.
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks Jayme for the praise. I'm always trying my best. Hope it's good enough. ;-)
I know how you feel! I'm so nervous. I'd love to follow Terry, Mrs. Klio, and even old Bodger's antics over on Twitter, if you have an account. I'm @writerjayme. :)
ReplyDelete(Hi again! I plan to give out comments during this round, and then I'll give out my top ten votes as soon as I have critiqued everyone's queries.)
ReplyDeleteWhat a great idea for a story! I love time travel and all it's complications, and it sounds like this story will take me to very exciting places. I also love Teresa's voice in your first 150 words. She already sounds very unique, and I can already see what a great narrator she will be.
Just two tiny points in your first 150 words. The part where you say "gangly legs" and "straw-colored bob" sound more like the author interjecting to tell me what Teresa looks like. (I'm not sure I would look down at my legs and describe them as gangly or fat or anything. I think I would just describe them as my legs. Know what I mean?)
Sneaking in description in a first-person narrative is super tough, though. For that reason, I think you could keep in one description or the other. You just may want to consider dropping one, so it doesn't sound like too much of an author interjection.
This is such a tiny point, though. Excellent job with this; I could definitely see myself reading it.
Thanks for the tip. I'll kill the gangly legs. They're not as important as the bob (which comes back later when the great-great-grandfather thinks she's a boy). ;-)
ReplyDelete