Elemental Sacrifices: The Gathering
YA fantasy
63,000
Query:
Chloe Delacor still feels linked to an imprisoned Spirit-wielder, a man from a bloody encounter she only remembers in nightmares. Her guardians urge her to forget Ichan and the kingdom she fled from. So she breeds horses and tries to fit in with the local commoners. Not easy since she can barely hide her powers over the Elements. And no one seems to care that forgetting her past means never knowing her true purpose.
Chloe’s done hiding when Ichan’s minions sniff her out and leave few survivors. Grieving the deaths of her loved ones, she abandons her home to master the Elements and find a way to defeat Ichan. If she’s captured by his army of stolen souls, Ichan will rip away her powers to free himself and wage war against all realms.
The key to Chloe’s past is within the Society of the Sea, a distant empire predestined to fall upon her arrival. Chloe presses on across the borders, unsure if she can destroy an entire nation – even to save a world.
First 150 Words:
“Why am I always the target?” Chloe muttered to herself.
Huffing, she slipped through the thick woods of Rosa Forest. In the quiet before dawn, the golden leaves whispered under her quick footsteps. The smell of musky, wet dirt rose from the steaming ground.
Chloe stepped into a glade, and pale morning light kissed her upturned cheeks. She eyed the reddening lush of the forest for movement.
Sensing a presence, she grasped her staff with both hands. Her leg split her cloak further open as she dug one foot forward into the ground. The twins must have finally caught up to her. Which meant Gale might be near too. Her breath fogged the air as she waited for an attack.
A flash of black hid behind a tree to her left. She moved further into the glade away from the trees. Maybe Gale added a new challenge to the game, she reasoned.
I'm intrigued by this one- I love the Elements and anything to do with them (probably because my book involves the Elements) :) The last sentence of the query I felt like it left me hanging- I think there needs to be more at stake, or a choice or dilemma or something. and how would destroying a nation save the world? Maybe just making that clearer would help.
ReplyDeleteI really like your first 150- I feel like I'm in a fantasy novel, which is great! I don't think you need the tag after your internal thought- we know she's thinking it since it's in italics, you don't have to follow it with "she reasoned".
Great job and good luck!
Hey, Entry #28!
ReplyDeleteI’m going around giving everyone at least one critique and one positive today. (Maybe more, if I spot something helpful.)
Positive:
- I really liked the imagery.
Critique:
- Ditto what Abby said about tagging thoughts. :)
Best of luck!
The query and first page are solid, but nothing about the story really grabs my attention. But I'm not a big fan of high fantasy. Best of luck!
ReplyDelete