Etham
YA Fantasy
67,000
Query:
Cecily Wallace is an unlikely match for the great Duke of Gwent. Fifteen, peculiar, and perpetually barefoot, she has lived a sheltered life under the vigilant care of her father, Stephen Wallace, the uneasy Earl of Cardiff.
Despite her upbringing, and devotion to Roland Bristow (a lowly painters' apprentice), Cecily finds herself arranged in a noble engagement. Anguished over the forced betrothal, she relies on her only option: to disappear. Fortunately, an offbeat soothsayer produces a curious set of rings, which, unbeknownst to Cecily and Roland, allow a couple safe passage--through time. Their grasp of the magic is limited, however, and on the day of their departure, Roland disappears in a cloud of glittering fog, leaving Cecily alone (and somewhat unhinged).
It is nearly a year later (and in the wake of her elevation to a beloved, albeit willful, duchess) that Cecily finally understands the full potential of the rings. The discovery has tragic consequences, but in the end, leads her to Roland. It is upon reuniting at a modern-day high school that they are both faced with a terrible reality: Cecily is unable to remember her past.
Etham presents a mix of historical and contemporary themes to the young adult genre (consider Daughter of Smoke and Bone meets Jane Eyre). With the unexpected element of time travel (whimsical, not sci-fi), readers will find an eerie adventure with romantic roots.
First 150 Words:
There was a calm wind the morning she finally won her father over. A scrawny girl with small features, she followed behind her mother at a distance and held his hand, but his gaze was on the lady before them, and he eyed the motion of her dress as she glided in front.
The young girl shook his hand as she looked up at him.
"Papa?"
"Darling girl," he replied without losing focus.
She continued with her script.
"I am certain that of all beasts, dogs are the most clever, even more than horses."
The man laughed at this and, familiar with his part, squeezed the small hand a bit tighter.
"Nicolette," he called out, "it seems that our daughter would, on this day, defy her parents and country and declare horses to be inferior creatures. What say you, Lady Cardiff?"
The lady turned, smiling, reflecting the brightness in her blue eyes into those of her husband's.
Two things - First, you have a grate story teller's voice. Perfect for fantasy/fairytale. It comes through really well in your query, however, I'm wondering how that will translate to the contemporary portion of the story. I'm also betting they are going to tell you to tighten this up a bit.
ReplyDeleteI saw a number of phrases that could be condensed or even cut to make it a little less wordy without losing that great voice. For example, try cutting anything in parenthesis.
Number two - is Dad checking Mom out in the first paragraph? GROSS! ;) I'm just teasing you, but you might turn off some younger readers if they read it as I did the first time through.
GOOD LUCK!
Hey, Entry #34!
ReplyDeleteI’m going around giving everyone at least one critique and one positive today. (Maybe more, if I spot something helpful.)
Positive:
- I’m still marveling at the references. Daughter of Smoke and Bone meets Jane Eyre, hm? Interesting…
Critique:
- *Grins* Anonymous was right. ‘They’ are going to suggest a little tightening.
Best of luck! :)
Anonymous said it well when he/she said you had a "storyteller's voice". I agree with that. Your writing feels professional and natural. The first two paragraphs of the query were excellent, but I got a little lost in the third paragraph. When you say it's nearly a year later, does this year pass within the story or does it start at this point? I know you don't want to give it away but without telling us what the rings do and what the "tragic consequence" is, it feels like something important is left out. You may be able to just leave a lot of this out. What if you removed the last sentence of the second paragraph and then go straight to them being at the modern day high school? I'm sure it over simplifies things, but queries often work better that way.
ReplyDeleteI'm on the fence with this one. :) The voice is so strong, but I'm concerned about the structure of the story.
Hey, Entry #34! I’m going around giving everyone at least one critique and one positive today. (Maybe more, if I spot something helpful.) Positive: - I’m still marveling at the references. Daughter of Smoke and Bone meets Jane Eyre , hm? Interesting… Critique: - *Grins* Anonymous was right. ‘They’ are going to suggest a little tightening. Best of luck! :)
ReplyDelete