Kiss of Fire
Young Adult, paranormal
108,000
Query:
Joclyn Despain hasn’t heard from her father since a scar appeared behind her right ear on her fifth birthday. Eleven years later he sends her a cursed stone, referring Joclyn to what she can only assume is a cult. According to Joclyn’s delusional father, her scar has given her supernatural powers, and the cult will ‘save’ her. Now, she is being stalked by a tall blonde man, and her best friend, Ryland, has a father who is threatening more than just her friendship with his son.
Joclyn only wishes to hide behind her large clothes, ignore the romantic advances from Ryland, and try to forget about whatever mess her father has gotten her into. But, weird things have begun to happen. Normal people shouldn’t be able to throw their enemies ten feet in the air or fall fifteen feet without getting hurt, right?
Joclyn finally begins to find her footing, when Ryland finds her scar. Not only does he know what it is, but he insists that she will be hunted and killed because of it.
Joclyn barely escapes, only to discover that Ryland has been captured by those who would kill her. Now Joclyn must find the ability to save Ryland before he is tortured to death by a man who will stop at nothing to find Joclyn’s location.
First 150 words:
My longboard clicked rhythmically down the sidewalk as I moved, the warm wind of early summer tugging against my dark hoodie, pulling at the long strands of black hair that had fallen out of my hood. I didn't like traveling in front of the houses in this part of the neighborhood. I normally took the back alley but today, some road crews were working on pot-holes and I had to make my trip in front of the giant mansions that littered the hills of the east side of the city.
The rich ladies with their upturned noses liked to look out their windows at me as if I were somehow infecting their perfect little world with a contagious disease. They looked at me like I was poor (which I was), a menace (which I wasn’t), and like there was something wrong with me (which I wasn’t even sure of). Normally I would laugh at their response to me, but I didn't like them taking so much notice.
Hey, Entry #8!
ReplyDeleteI’m going around giving everyone at least one critique and one positive today. (Maybe more, if I spot something helpful.)
Positive:
- Unique paranormal element.
Critique:
- Avoid starting every paragraph with Joclyn.
Best of luck! :)
I feel like your query jumps around a bit. Try to smooth out the transitions and give a bit more detail with some things. Examples:
ReplyDelete"Joclyn Despain hasn’t heard from her father since a scar appeared behind her right ear on her fifth birthday."
-Why? Did he see the scar and run away? Abandon her? This might get the reader to feel some sympathy for the character.
"referring Joclyn to what she can only assume is a cult"
-A bit too vague. Is he trying to get her to come join the cult? You say later that he thinks that the cult can save her, but that might be better placed here. Possibly by combining those sentences.
"her best friend, Ryland, has a father who is threatening more than just her friendship with his son."
-Why is he suddenly threatening her? Is he in cahoots with the tall blonde man?
"Joclyn barely escapes, only to discover that Ryland has been captured by those who would kill her."
-I feel like you skipped the action here and went straight into the aftermath. Is she attacked with Ryland? This seems like a very climatic event, so I would say give a little bit more with it.
And now for the praise:
I love the second paragraph. That is the one that hooks me to your character. Her baggy clothes and need to hide and then the strange things that start happening...excellent!
The first 150 are really good and solid. I love the aside voices in parentheses. I can hear her saying them! I really like your style and your voice. I want to read more!
Hey everyone! Thanks for the reviews and words of help. Due to a bad stomach flu, I sent an old query. Because of this I know I am going to get bad reviews - or no votes at all. The current summary is as follows:
ReplyDeleteJoclyn Despain has a scar. A scar she doesn’t want anyone to see. Including her best friend Ryland, who knows everything about her. The scar is the reason she hides herself behind baggy clothes, and won’t let the idea of kissing Ryland enter her mind, no matter how much she wants to.
The scar is the reason she is being hunted.
If only she knew.
If only she knew that a cursed stone her estranged father sent for her 16th birthday would trigger a change in her. Now, she is being stalked by tall blonde men, and miraculously throwing her high school bully ten feet in the air.
Joclyn attempts to find some answers and the strength to follow her heart. When Ryland finds her scar; but, he knows what it means. And, who will kill her because of it.
In order to help Joclyn escape, Ryland fights her pursuers; only to be captured by them.
Now, Joclyn must navigate an unfamiliar world in order to save Ryland, before he is tortured to death by those who will stop at nothing to find Joclyn’s location.
I know I am probably going to get disqualified for this, and I am ok with that. I just feel my work needs to represented by the best summary possible. And I have definitely learned not to enter contests when I am sick like a dog. lol
To be fair, I only read the official entry. But since you've already changed it, I'll refrain from letting you know about the problems I saw. Overall, however, I found the query to be clear and the story intriguing. The cursed scar is reminiscent of Harry Potter, but I can forgive that. :)
ReplyDeleteThe voice in the first 150 is good, however the first sentence was a little long. I'd love to see something more snappy to draw us in at the beginning.