If you are looking to enter to win free business cards, go HERE!I'm all kinds of pumped because today is the first day for the amazing editor judged contest hosted by Sharon Bayliss! It's a two-fold contest to help spread the word about the newly released, Wilde's Fire by Krystal Wade (who is also the editor for the contest) and to get some great feedback, plus a possible full request for us writers from Curiosity Quills. There is still time to sign up, so if you have a polished, shiny manuscript you're ready to pitch go HERE to enter!
For the first part of the contest we have to enter our query and first 500 words on our blog to get critiques before doing a final submit. I'm sure those of you that have been here and seen me post my query and 500 before for similar contests are probably groaning. But don't leave just yet, I have tweaked some things so I'd love any new feedback you can give:) Thanks! And if you're entering the contest I will gladly return the love on your blog:)
QUERY:
The day bombs rain down on the earth annihilating the time machines Kali Addison's dad invented, it's her seventeenth birthday. She gets a couple of unexpected presents. A dead family. And the truth: Time machines have nothing to do with science and everything to do with her.
Stripped of her loved ones, and her father's work in ashes, fate would have it, Kali is now a freakin' time machine. And those responsible for ridding the world of them, know all about what Kali's capable of. Too bad she doesn't. Maybe the oh-so-hot guy, who shows up every time she's catapulted into the past, can help her remember. But knowing the truth would mean facing a life she forgot for a reason.
Now she must decide what's more important; continuing to live in the dark, or embracing the danger of who she's always been. If she chooses wrong. It's times up. For everyone.
Mystical mixes with real life fears of love and loss in this sci-fi/fantasy mashup novel for young adults, RIPPLE EFFECT is complete at 99,000 words, and has series potential.
I am a member of SCBWI and David Farland's Writers Group. More important, I am a seventeen-year-old, stuck in a thirty-three year old body, writing books to fill the void.
If you would like to consider RIPPLE EFFECT, I will be more than happy to send you the full manuscript.
FIRST 500 WORDS:
I hate time travel.
It's the one thought I have in my head as I crane my neck to take in the massive Clandestine in all its bland glory.
The Commoners appear just as dull as the timeport with their solemn expressions and outfits the color of dirty snow.
Today, I match them.
Sage tugs my arm and I pop out of my head just in time to climb the steps with the others. I pause at the plaque by the entrance and read:
This Clandestine is dedicated
to those valiant Commoners who
fought the battle of time and won.
2035
I can't help the laugh that slips. If those Commoners only knew what they set in motion.
"Would you stop it already?" Sage elbows me. "You're starting to sweat and it's messing up your makeup." She unzips her gray suit just enough to pull a tissue out of her bra and pushes it into my hands. "And you'd better take off your sunglasses. You know you won't get in wearing those.""I hope not," I mumble, but still let her drag me through the sliding glass doors while I blot my face. I keep the glasses on, even though she's right. I won't get through the first check point with them. Preparation for a journey through time doesn't allow for distractions like color or commotion. That includes accessories. But I don't care. I want to act like an indignant child, so I will.
Not only is the Clandestine bland, but there are no windows here either. So no way to enjoy the cool spring breeze or hear the birds chirp me a happy birthday song.
Nope.
I get to be serenaded by the whispers of curious onlookers wondering why I'm time travelling with them. I'm beginning to have second thoughts about it myself.
At least my friends; Sage, Greer and Flip, are letting me pick the "when" we travel to as my birthday present. I can't understand how they think it's a present at all knowing how much I despise this whole scene. I guess I'm the idiot for agreeing to it.
Oh well, maybe luck will rain down on me and no one will notice the inventor's daughter is about to use one of his public time machines. Or maybe I'll experience a first and won't get sick when I travel. And maybe, just maybe, the tracker chip they insert into our arms before we leave won't kill us if we cause a Ripple.
Nah.
Luck doesn't free-flow into my life too often. Something is bound to go wrong. It's why my nerves are beaten to a pulp and my nails gnawed to nubs.
No joke, picking at my fingers has become an art form. We all need our distractions I suppose. And my nail obsession is working well, until we hit the back of the line to the first check point and my friends start goofing off like we're at a party.
24 comments:
I love this line: "Now she must decide what's more important; continuing to live in the dark, or embracing the danger of who she's always been." Very intriguing. And I adore time travel!
What a fun concept! And I love the voice in this opening--it makes her very relatable. Awesome job! Good luck!
Really like your concept here. And your character voice is great :)
excellent voice and first line! i'm hooked!
I love your concept, and your first 500 words. The engraving on the plaque gave me shivers.
Your query was hard to read, though.
The day bombs rain down on the earth annihilating the time machines Kali Addison's dad invented, it's her seventeenth birthday. - I had to read this three times to understand what you were trying to say. Establish Kali and her birthday first - then tell us what goes wrong.
She gets a couple of unexpected presents. A dead family. And the truth: Time machines have nothing to do with science and everything to do with her. - Make this two sentences instead of three: She gets a couple of unexpected presents - a dead family, and the truth. Time machines have nothing do with science and everything to do with her.
Stripped of her loved ones, and her father's work in ashes, fate would have it, Kali is now a freakin' time machine. And those responsible for ridding the world of them, know all about what Kali's capable of. Too bad she doesn't. - "Stripped of her loved ones" is repeating yourself, you've already told us her family is dead. It's also very confusing the way throw "fate would have it" in. Maybe try As fate would have it, with her father's work now in ashes, Kali is now a freakin' time machine, and those responsible for ridding the world of them know all about her capabilities. Too bad Kali doesn't.
Maybe the oh-so-hot guy, who shows up every time she's catapulted into the past, can help her remember. But knowing the truth would mean facing a life she forgot for a reason. - Switch these two sentences around - I kept reading the first sentence going "what is she supposed to remember?"
Now she must decide what's more important; continuing to live in the dark, or embracing the danger of who she's always been. If she chooses wrong. It's times up. For everyone. - Great premise here, but the punctuation is off. Try Now she must decide what's more important: continuing to live in the dark, or embracing the danger of who she's always been. If she chooses wrong, time is up. For everyone.
Mystical mixes with real life fears of love and loss in this sci-fi/fantasy mashup novel for young adults, RIPPLE EFFECT is complete at 99,000 words, and has series potential. - This is just awkward to read. Perhaps try: This young adult, sci-fi/fantasy mash-up novel mixes the mystical with real-life fears of love and loss. RIPPLE EFFECT is complete and 99,000 words and has series potential.
I am a member of SCBWI and David Farland's Writers Group. More important, I am a seventeen-year-old, stuck in a thirty-three year old body, writing books to fill the void. - the only thing that might actually help in this section is the SCBWI membership, MAYBE the Writers Group.
If you would like to consider RIPPLE EFFECT, I will be more than happy to send you the full manuscript. - Just say "Thank you for considering RIPPLE EFFECT." and end it there. An agent/editor will assume that since you're querying, you're willing to send them the full manuscript. Saying "if" only makes you sound like you're not confident in the story.
I do adore where you say "Now she must decide what's more important . . ." I love your 500 words, and I want to know Kali! She intrigues me . . .
I know I've seen this before, but it just keeps getting better and better! I seriously want to read this novel:) My only suggestion is that you have someone say Kali's name in the first 500 words. gOOd luCK!
For the query, I also suggest putting Kali's name in earlier, perhaps starting with "On Kali Addison's seventeenth birthday..." I've read in a number of places that it can be confusing to start off without introducing the MC when the agent doesn't know the story yet.
I like the concept of your story, since I've always been interested in time travel. The first line is also really good.
I agree on mentioning Kali's name earlier on in the first 500 words, just so we relate to her off the bat. I stumbled with the first line of your query too, I would swap it around. :)
Good luck
As always, you alls advice is invaluable! Thanks and keep em coming:) My daughter is in a large production today that has filled my life for the last two months, but as soon as it's over today, I will head to everyone's blogs and read yours. Thanks!
It's so exciting getting to see your new beginning! I'm so glad you entered Ripple Effect. I thought it was great and the query was strong. I would only change the first line, "The day bombs rain down on the earth annihilating the time machines Kali Addison's dad invented, it's her seventeenth birthday." I would say, "On her seventeenth birthday, bombs rain down..." Good luck!!
Wow, such a fun premise! I like this. Very original.
And I like time travel stories ;)
Great start!
Good luck!
The first line got me too, but that's an easy fix. There were a few other places in the query I stumbled over. I really liked Rebekah's suggestions for it. I think some of those fixes would make for a really tight, solid query!!
You have a fabulous premise! I also really enjoyed reading your first 500. One quick grammar point in your 500 - In the line, "At least my friends; Sage, Greer and Flip, are letting me pick the "when" we travel to as my birthday present," you might ditch the semicolon. Picky, I know.
You have a really great entry! Good luck to you in the contest! Good luck to your daughter in her production too. ;) I just signed up as a new follower.
Interesting story line and enjoyed your first 500 words.
I just felt the query was a bit hard to read, possibly change your wording and try not to repeat the same words too often.
I enjoyed this, I like the whole "the inventors daughter is riding the public time machine" How cool is that to have public time machines! I agree with several of the other comments, but I think everyone else has covered the basics of what needs to be tweaked. Good job and good luck in the contest, I'm a follower now and hope you'll check out my post as well.
I think I've seen this before and have fallen in love with it again :) Great premise and her voice jumps off the page! Nicely done and good luck :)
I think this is a stronger opening than the ones I've read before. Really good.
The query could do with some polish. I agree with the suggestion to simplify the first sentence. And I think, on the whole, you could tighten it some as well.
Good luck with this.
You go girl. Crossing everything for your success in the contest.
YAY Time Travel! Great job, and good luck in the contest!
Love the premise! Rebekah had some great points about the query. Good luck!
I think if you make the small change in the first sentence of your query it would be easier to read. Other than that, you go girl!
I would LOVE to read this! I don't think I've ever read anything with time travel. You're premise and first five hundered words have totally sucked me in!
I agree with what others have said about the query being a bit confusing though, especially that first line. But LOVED the first 500 words!
Oh, and I also LOVE your title!!
Good luck in the contest!
Oh typos, how I loathe you.
*your, not you're
*hundred, not hundered *shakes head*
Really cool concept, and nice excerpt! Good luck, and thanks for the contest links!
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