Title: Remebered
Genre: YA Urban Fantasy
The only thing Jonas was completely sure of was that Mackenzie Shae was going to die. As he studied her walking along – practically bouncing – in step to the loud music still playing in the field behind her, he couldn’t help but stare. Not that Mackenzie intrigued him. No human had that affect on Jonas. They were way too predictable. Sure, she probably attracted a majority of the male population, but she was the whole reason this mess consumed him in the first place. That annoyance completely trumped how she looked.
Of course the bond between them continued to aggravate him as well. He didn’t have time to ponder over some typical teenagers innermost thoughts. So what if she turned misfit because her sister died? What difference did it make that the boy standing at her side, eyes caressing her face like they could actually feel her skin, loved her, and she didn’t return that love? Least of all did he enjoy that this link—which acted more like a shackle at times—forced him into caring.
What he needed to worry about now consisted of finding out when and how Mackenzie would leave this life, and why he was hers to begin with. It didn’t seem to him like she had anything extraordinary going for her.
As he waited for her to approach, many possibilities swam through his head in answer to those questions. However, given all the ways he’d seen death take someone, he never, in the many centuries of doing his job, could have guessed he would actually be the cause.
7 comments:
I had trouble reading this b/c of the font. As to the actual entry, I really liked it. It's intriguing and I'd love to find out why Jonas sees death and what he is exactly.
I love this entry! Loved it last week and still love it!
But Lori is right. The only problematic thing about your blog is the font. You should choose a more reader-friendly one. The more common the better.
This had a really strong opening, but you lost the momentum with that second sentence. It's overwritten due to the 'practically bouncing' bit. I can't see it, and it would read a lot better if you simply say she is skipping.
I must say, its quite fascinating (reminds me a bit of Meet Joe Black starring Brad Pitt), and that last line was a killer! (Pun very much intended :D) I do look forward to reading this.
Good Luck! :D
I really liked this, especially the last line. I just wonder if you might want to get to the action and outside of Jonas' head a little sooner.
I really liked this piece, first paragraph captured my interest right away. Second paragraph may/may not be needed at all, or perhaps trimmed down. Then third and fourth para's grabbed me again and held me prisoner! :-))
Thanks for all the comments. I take them all to heart!
It needs some tightening up in places because there many deadweight words and phrases (such as adverbs, 'probably' 'actually' 'practically') these are weighing down your writing. The set-up is intriguing though.
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