Monday, October 31, 2011

Logline--Take two and First 250 words

So tomorrow is the Bakers Dozen entry deadline and I am pleading for a little end-of-the-line help. I have my log line below with two possible endings and my first 250 words and once again my mind is mush and some crit love is much needed. Whatever you can give would be great!

Logline ending 1:

Seventeen –year-old Kali Addison is time. So when her father’s time machines are incinerated making her the sole time machine on earth, she is hunted by a corrupt government who wants to reproduce her and anti-time travelers who want her dead. If either of them get their hands on her before she remembers how to use her powers to protect herself, then its times up—for everyone.
Logline ending 2:
Seventeen –year-old Kali Addison is time. So when her father’s time machines are incinerated making her the sole time machine on earth, she is hunted by a corrupt government who wants to reproduce her and anti-time travelers who want her dead. If either of them get their hands on her before she finds and destroys them, then its times up—for everyone.
I am looking for ending help as well as your thoughts on the logline.

Now for the first 250 words:
Picking at my fingers is an art form.  I start by prodding the side skin around my nail until it lifts enough for my teeth to yank it away. This calms me until the pain comes, which it always does.  I don’t like pain.  It reminds me too much of my life so I move on to biting the actual nails, chipping away until all that’s left of my fingers are angry red stumps.
I do this now watching my friends goof off in a line that snakes around a side wall leading to a check point, which, beyond that, leads to further lines and check points.
The endless foray and clusters of people whispering in hushed tones in the starch white building aren’t enough to make my friends shut their pie-holes for once. Greer has to pull Sages hair in a playful manner and she has to love tap him back while Flip laughs out loud at them both, not concerned one bit about the on-lookers dumbfounded glances in their direction.
I break from biting my nails long enough to duck my head when Flip calls me out in that pompous way he’s so good at. “So Kali, where you takin’ us?”
He did that on purpose. Jerk. He wants people to know I’m here, using my father’s time machine to travel. The last thing I want is a bunch of paparazzi swarming us. It’s why I wear the stupid bumble bee glasses and ball cap. But it’s the only thing he wants and when Flip’s around, it’s all about him.

That's it! Thanks for all your help:)

17 comments:

E.R. King said...

I like both of the logline's, except do you mean "then it's time up..." or as you wrote it, "times up.."? Good job, Deana!

Angela Cothran said...

I like them both, but I like the first one better. I think I would simplify it a little: ...remembers how to uses her powers, then time's up--for everyone.

Make sure you use an apostrophe in time's up because it means "time is up".

I'm also intrigued by your 250 words--very interesting. Add an apostrophe in "Sage's hair".

Great job :)

Deana said...

Thanks for the input ladies! And yea, I meant to put that darn apostrophe in there:)

LTM said...

Hey, Deana! This sounds like a cool premise. I like your loglines, probably #1 the best, and I'd say, then time is up--for everyone. Just to avoid confusion.

Best of luck to you~ :o)

Stephsco said...

I'm not helping, i say ending #2! But LTM has a good suggestion to clarify. Best of luck to you!

Ru said...

Good luck Deana! Your log line sounds super interesting. :)

OK, I hope my suggestions aren't too obnoxious. (As a disclaimer, I once worked at a newspaper where my primary job was removing words to make stories fit. So take my thoughts with a grain of salt.)

***

Picking at my fingers is an art form. I start by prodding the side skin around my nail until it lifts enough for my teeth to yank it away. This calms me until the pain comes, which it always does. I don’t like pain. (Remove "reminds me too much of my life" - showing not telling & unnecessary since you've already given us this great character detail with her anxiously biting her nails. Plus, it's a little too self-pitying to make us like your MC off the bat.) I move on to biting the actual nails, chipping away until all that’s left of my fingers are angry red stumps.

I do this now, watching my friends goof off in a line that snakes around a side wall leading to a check point, which (delete "beyond that") leads to further lines and check points.

The endless foray (?? word choice? I would maybe just say, "the endless clusters of people whispering")(delete "in hushed tones," whispering implies hushed) in the starch white building aren’t enough to make my friends shut their pie-holes for once. Greer has to pull Sage's hair (I would delete "in a playful manner," since her only response is to love tap him back and the other friend laughs, it implies he's not being mean) and she has to love tap him back while Flip laughs (delete "out loud," all real laughter is out loud) at them both, not concerned one bit about the on-lookers' dumbfounded glances in their (our?) direction.

I break from biting my nails long enough to duck my head when Flip calls me out in that pompous way he’s so good at. “So Kali, where you takin’ us?”

He did that on purpose. (Delete "Jerk," all the rest shows the reader he's a jerk.) He wants people to know I’m here, using my father’s time machine to travel. The last thing I want is a bunch of paparazzi swarming us. It’s why I wear the stupid bumble bee glasses and ball cap. But it’s the only thing he wants (attention? what is "it" in this sentence? I would clarify this statement, since "it's" is used three times in three sentences, which is a tiny bit confusing) and when Flip’s around, it’s all about him.

***

Hope any of that made sense and was helpful. :) I look forward to hearing more about your story!

Jenny said...

Great loglines! I can tell you worked on them since the last time we saw them. I don't really have a preference for one of the other though, sorry I couldn't help more!

Angela Brown said...

I like the first logline and ending but please read the tad bit of a difference. Not sure if it will help but...well...here it is.

Seventeen –year-old Kali Addison IS time. When her father’s time machines are incinerated, she's left as the last time machine on earth. Hunted by a corrupt government who wants to reproduce her and anti-time travelers who want her dead, she must remember how to use her powers to protect herself, then time's up — for everyone.

Also, regarding the comment made by the character, Flip. Should he be saying "where" or "when"?

Karen Peterson said...

I like both of these loglines, but agree with E.R. King about the punctuation.

Kayeleen Hamblin said...

I like the way you've clarified the loglines. #1 is my favorite.

Amberr Meadows said...

#1 is also my favorite.

I'm here from the blog hop and delighted to discover yours. My favorite scary book is IT (scared the crap out of me when I was a kid), movie that horrified me most was Rob Zombie's remake of Halloween, and I did not dress up this year, because I'm lame. I hope to cure this infliction next year.

Happy Halloween!

Deana said...

Thanks! You all are awesome and have helped me a ton!

Christa said...

I guess I'm in the minority because I thought the flow of the second was better. But this is all very subjective. They are both great and your premise is fantastic. I wish you a ton of luck!

Shiela Calderón Blankemeier said...

Sorry this it late! But I also like the first logline better - it had more specifics that made me feel more excited about the plot. Your first 250 sound great - makes me want to read on. Best of luck on baker's dozen!

jamieayres said...

I like both loglines and I LOVE the premise of your story. I think you are an immensely talented writer with your lively language. I enjoyed her wit, but the shut the pie hole took me out of the story for a minute. On a side note, I'm not sure about all the names. It's a lot of introducing in the first 250 pages and odd names at that. From my experience, it's better to have one or two "different" names in a novel. Of course, totally your story . . . just sharing what I've learned:) Good luck! I wanted to enter too but haven't gotten around to writing my new logline yet *sniff, sniff

Debbie Maxwell Allen said...

Sounds like a fantastic story, Deanna! Hope the contest goes well!

~Debbie

Tara Tyler said...

i am sending you an award =) come by later, once i get the post up!