Monday, October 1, 2012

1st Rd Sm Press Contest #33 - Blood of Isis

YA Contemporary Fantasy
55,000 Words


After surviving what was meant to be a fatal riding accident seventeen-year-old Aziza Harper is told, by her grandma, she’s a descendant of the Egyptian Goddess Isis—the one who’s supposed to restore balance to the cosmos by defeating the power-hungry God Seth.

Yet after seven years of traveling with her Egyptologist mother, Aziza wants to enjoy her senior year as a normal teenager instead of chasing after a myth.  All she wants to do is spend her time lusting after the student council president and hanging out with the friends she’s beginning to make.

But her stubbornness may be her downfall for Seth, a god who once overthrew his brother, the God Osiris, from Pharaoh of Egypt, is coming back to power.  This time, as payback for Isis locking him away in the underworld, he plans to take over Aziza’s world.  To stop him it will be up to Aziza—with the help friends who, unknowingly, are also descendants of Egyptian deities— to find the Eye of Ra and Eye of Horus, two amulets with the power to lock Seth away forever.  A journey that will test their newly formed friendship, one if failed would mean not only the end to Aziza’s world but the death of the only friends she has.

First 150 Words:

When I was eleven, I made a wish.  I wished to go to boarding school, to a place like Hogwarts.  I wanted to have instant friends like Harry's, friends who would always be there when it mattered.  
Well, I'm finally getting to go to boarding school.  Unfortunately, I stopped wishing for that six years ago.           

“Aziza!” my mom snapped.  “Are you listening to me?”  She wore her hair in its usual style, a tightly woven braid that ran down her back.  Even though she never took her eyes off the road, I could tell she wasn't pleased.     

“Yes, mother,” I said, taking the time to let every syllable roll off my tongue.  Then I leaned against the hot car window, trying to let its heat burn out the sound of my mom as she droned on about the school’s history.  After a few minutes I shifted my body to face hers, “I still don’t understand why I have to go there.”


Honey Badger said...

Hey, Entry #34!

I’m going around giving everyone at least one critique and one positive today. (Maybe more, if I spot something helpful.)

- This concept feels so fresh to me! I really like it. :)

- I’d bust the beginning of your third paragraph into two sentences and nix “the God Osiris”. We want this to be a tight, well-oiled machine. ;)
- Is this boarding school in Egypt? Otherwise, I’m going to be a little confused…

Best of luck!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your comments and critiques, I'll definitely work on the second paragraph! As for the boarding school its I'm Boston but she gets to Egypt eventually...there's a hint or foreshadowing about that on the first page.

Lone Star said...

I like that you're weaving Egyptian mythology into your story, it feels fresh. I was underwhelmed by the first 150. They are well written but I'd love to see something more intriguing than her being driven to boarding school. Good luck!