Monday, October 1, 2012

1st Rd Sm Press Contest #13 - Daughter4254

Daughter4254
YA Dystopian
60k

Query:

Daughter4254 used to think life in a community where art, music and names are outlawed would suffocate her creative spirit. Now that she’s rotting in a prison cell, she’s not sure her dying mother made the right choice when she entrusted her with the secrets of rebellion. Prison has given her plenty of time to relive every mistake and lose all hope. Her next stop is the MindWipe.

Then she meets Thomas, a fellow inmate, who teaches her about faith and love. He tells her stories of the mythical mountain colonies where people have names and the arts thrive. Together they plot an escape, knowing if they fail, they will die. Or worse, their consiousness will be taken by the MindWipe,leaving their bodies free for the government to use. When nothing goes as planned, Daughter4254 must choose between using her mother's secret to better the world she hates, and following Thomas to the quiet life of freedom she has always craved.

FIRST 150 WORDS

It was against the law for my mother to comfort me when I cried, but that’s what I remember most vividly; her arms circled about me, her hands patting my back. When possible, she held me while I sobbed like a brand new child. My mother tried to teach me not to show my emotions when I was young. Any expression of feeling would give away my mental status.

But it was not a lesson I learned quickly or easily. The hugs and kisses and pats on the back were part of many secrets we owned. We constantly gambled that the Auto Eye attendants would not notice us; one small blip of a family on hundreds of monitoring screens. Still, the large round bubble loomed like a wicked insect on the ceiling of our home pod. The camera and microphone concealed beneath the dark plastic lump recorded our every word and move and sent them back to the government for monitoring.

14 comments:

Mystery Science Theater Geek said...

You've done an incredible job all the way around.

I'm glad to give you my vote.

LyndseyLewellen said...

YAY! You got a vote! I think your query is so strong now. I'm so excited for you.

Anonymous said...

You made my night! Thank you! !!

Heather M Bryant said...

I love the changes you've made! I can tell you really took the feedback on board and now you have yourself a seriously strong query.

Good Luck!

Honey Badger said...

Hey, Entry #13!

I’m going around giving everyone at least one critique and one positive today. (Maybe more, if I spot something helpful.)

Positive:
- I really liked the concept and the first 150.

Critique:
- This isn’t a critique, really--more like a question. Has Daughter4254 known life outside of the community? She used to worry it would suffocate her creative spirit. If that was the only thing she had ever known, she wouldn’t worry about it. You know? I’d try to make that answer clear in the query. :)

Best of luck!

Mara Valderran said...

WOW! I remember this from the Pitch Contest and just...WOW. You have a strong query here and it really shows off what an amazing concept you have. Kudos to you for the changes and hard work you've put into this! It shows! I hope you move on to the next round!

cscullywriter said...

I'm SO proud of the changes you made to this! So excited you got a VOTE too!

Wanted you to know, my favorite addition to the previous pitch is this:
"Prison has given her plenty of time to relive every mistake and lose all hope. Her next stop is the MindWipe."

The continuity was there and linked the two paragraphs together.

GREAT job!

Lindsey Frydman said...

Your already great query is even tighter now. So awesome! Yay for the vote. :) I'd read this in a heartbeat.

Anonymous said...

You guys are awesome! Thank you so much for all the words of encouragement! If I told you how long I've been working on this book & query you'd laugh me right off the blog. Never give up on your dreams eh? :) HUGS AROUND!

Stacey Trombley said...

This sounds incredible, really. The only suggestion I have is to shorten the first paragraph. It feels a little depressing. I think you need to get to the second paragraph-- where the real hope comes in-- a little faster.

Lone Star said...

This is all very strong. You did a great job clearly laying out the MC's choice at the end of the query. I loved the first line of the first 150, it really pulls you in.

Lone Star said...

You've got my vote!

Slave to the Muse said...

Love it! You have my vote!

Anonymous said...

THANK YOU!! For all the great feedback and votes! Thank you thank you :) MWAH!