Against the Falling Moons
YA light fantasy romance
95,000
Query:
Luc's sixth birthday is marked by tragedy when his best friend, Auri, falls through a rip in the fabric of Trillua and disappears into a parallel world--Earth. But Luc soon discovers that the strange bond he always shared with Auri survived. Over the next ten years he watches through his dreams as she grows into a beautiful sixteen-year old girl who doesn't trust anyone.
When the leaders of Trillua open a Portal to travel to Earth, Luc risks banishment from the home he loves to hijack a spot on their mission and rescue Auri. But the fall has wiped Auri's mind of all that came before it. Luc has just one month to convince her she belongs with him before the Portal home closes.
As the clock ticks down, Luc realizes that his proximity to Auri has somehow made him faster, stronger and almost invulnerable to pain or injury. He knows his unheard of powers seem like magic, something punishable by death on his world. Unlike his dreams of Auri, his new abilities are impossible to hide. When the leaders learn the truth, they demand he Portal home to be examined as a potential danger to Trillua. If he fails to immediately return, his family will be banished into the treacherous Outerlands.
Now Luc must choose. Abandon the girl he was born to love, or save the family who's depending on him for their survival.
First 150 Words
Outside, the glow of the ThriceMoon is being replaced by the glare of the rising sun. Absorbed in my notes on Auri's world, it takes me a few seconds to understand. The sun? I bolt upright from Sin's desk chair, scattering my papers to the floor. Half-asleep on his bed, Sin startles. "Blast it, Luc! I'm trying to slee..." Seeing my face, he trails off. "What?"
I point at the window that takes up the west wall of Sin's bedroom. Beyond it, the blue stretch of valley is steadily brightening. Black emotion-trails erupt around me. I wave my hand, as if I can physically brush them aside.
Sin's eyes widen. "It's daybreak? But your..."
"Test is today. I know. Emelina will banish me if she realizes I've been out all night."
Sin's voice takes on a lilt, "I cannot convey the importance of a good night's sleep, Luc." He does a disturbingly good imitation of Emelina.
Monday, October 1, 2012
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14 comments:
I'm not a fantasy fan, but you've absolutely done a beautiful job of creating a query that makes me *want* to read your story. And the first 150 words? Clean, tight and well done.
You've got my vote.
Love the changes you've made to the first 150! Just as much voice as the first one.
I also think your query has changed since I last read it. This new version has really upped the stakes - LOVE it!
Hey, Entry #16!
I’m going around giving everyone at least one critique and one positive today. (Maybe more, if I spot something helpful.)
Positive:
- I’m digging this entry! I have a feeling I’ll be back. :)
Critique:
- I'm drawing a blank here. First time tonight!
Best of luck! :)
Thank you Honey Badger!! And Mystery Science Theater geek. I was super excited to read your comments.
And thanks, Heather! I left a comment for you on yours. :)
As if the stakes weren't already high enough with him risking banishment to get to Auri (Who doesn't remember him!!), you throw the family in there too! WOW! I would read this in a heartbeat. Amazing query that hooks me not once but twice and then a solid 150 words to back it up. You've clearly got the story and the talent to tell it! I hope you move on to the next round!
Thank you so much, Mara!! Now all I have to do is get some judges to agree. :)
It might be easier than you think. That's why I'm back. ;)
You have my vote!
I really liked this one the first time I saw. Now, I like it even more! This grabbed my attention from the beginning and wouldn't let go. I can picture the first 150 just a like a movie playing on the page.
I love it.
Thank you so much Honey Badger!
And thanks Talynn! I'll swing by to see yours. :)
You have my vote. Good luck!
That's a wonderful query! Complicated concepts, but you conveyed them clearly. You also clearly defined the MC's choice at the end. The first 150 was solid.
Thank you so much for the vote escape artist!
Thank you for the very kind comments lone star. :)
I'm back. You've got my vote!
Oh my gosh! Thank you SO much!
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