NYMPHA
YA paranormal
62,905
QUERY:
Sixteen-year old Alexander is wanted by two opposing nymphs: Cynthia, mover of clouds, is using him set herself free from immorality, while her sister Phoebe, an earth nymph, strives to save the earth from impending environmental collapse. Alexander becomes entangled in Cynthia’s snare and ignores the fact that his own family is falling apart: his baby sister has died, his parents’ marriage is ending and his twin sister, Ariana, is hiding her pregnancy from the world. The imbalance of the earth is replicated in Alexander’s family life, and yet it will require him to act in a way that will prove his strength and courage. Meanwhile, Ariana will have decide if she is strong enough align with Phoebe to make the greatest sacrifice of all: her newborn children.
First 150 Words:
Phoebe
We awake from our broken eggs, and Cynthia wastes no time. She unfurls her large, luminous wings and shoots out of the cave, flying deep into the forest. She has been waiting for this—this freedom, this new opportunity, the possibility of an exit. I open my wings and chase after her, trying to catch up, but she has always been faster than me, the broad expanse of sky her special realm. I fly, as quickly as I can, over the trees, trying to trace her path, trying to eye her wings. The mortal ones do not realize how hard we nymphs must work to hide from them; our bodies are the same size, for we are descendants of the same first egg. It should be easy to find her. Her wings span the full length of her body, as do mine.
Monday, October 1, 2012
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3 comments:
Hey, Entry #9!
I’m going around giving everyone at least one critique and one positive today. (Maybe more, if I spot something helpful.)
Positive:
- Nice stakes at the end.
Critique:
- There’s a little too much going on for that query to be one paragraph.
- Be careful that you don’t miss any words. “Meanwhile, Ariana will have [to] decide…”
Best of luck! :)
I think you should separate the query out a bit. How does Alexander become entangled in Cynthia's snare? Does he already know about nymphs? The first 150 make me think that he shouldn't. You set up the stakes very well in the first sentence, but you don't quite tell us what all of this means for Alexander. The last line came out of nowhere for me. How did Ariana get involved? And what will Alexander have to do to prove his strength and courage? Give us a bit more on Alexander and Ariana, space it out to make it flow better, and I think it will be amazing. The story sounds very intriguing!
There are a lot of elements in the query that I find intriguing, but I don't see much structure in the query. There is a lot going on, but I don't know what the primary plot is. Check out this link - http://susandennard.com/2010/11/29/how-i-got-my-agent-part-1-the-prep/. It's one of my favorites for query structure.
I think this story has a lot of promise, but the query just isn't ready.
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