Title of Manuscript: GRIPPED
Genre: Young Adult Contemporary (Edgy)
Word Count: 58,000
Query:
Dear [Agent]
Taylor Stewart has it all: looks, money, popularity, and a perfect GPA. She's the captain of the cheer squad at her exclusive high school, and her boyfriend is the star of the tennis team, the hottie every girl in school wants. But she hasn’t become the 'it' girl without a little help from her best friends. Her best friends champagne, zinfandel and chardonnay.
Taylor’s an alcoholic.
When she is dumped at the beginning of senior year, the façade crumbles. She drinks more to cope, throwing her into a downward spiral. She shows up at school drunk, nearly throwing up on the Vice Principal. She alienates her friends and the cute new college boy when she throws a punch at a Halloween party dressed as Glinda the good witch. She depends on alcohol to escape the pressure of maintaining her GPA, nailing her AP exams, and writing a personal statement that will get her into UCLA. And she relies on it to numb the bitterness, hurt and resentment she feels toward her mother, who demands perfection, and her father, whom she catches banging a blond bimbo.
One frigid December night, drunk and pissed off after an argument with her arch-frenemy, she gets behind the wheel of a car and slams into a tree less than a mile from home, leaving her near death. When she wakes up, her secret comes out. She’s an addict. The truth is, she can’t survive without alcohol, and she’d rather die than give it up.
GRIPPED is a contemporary (edgy) young adult novel complete at 58,000 words. I spend my days writing technical documents for a large environmental consulting firm. I spend my nights writing young adult fiction. I am a member of SCBWI.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
First 150 Words:
Senior year just started and it's already perfect.
Varsity Cheer. Check.
Hottie boyfriend. Check.
Kicking ass in school. Check.
I spin in a circle, inspecting myself in the mirror.
It took me a half hour to pick out an outfit, but I nailed it. Dark wash Joe's jeans that make my non-existent butt look perky. White sweater than shows my tan. Leopard ballet flats for a touch of flair. I need a little more lip gloss.
I'm searching for my make-up bag when the screen on my phone lights up with an incoming text. Olivia. I dial her number, putting her on speaker.
"Why are you calling me? Only old people actually call anymore." I can hear music blaring in the background.
"Hello to you, too. I'm trying to finish getting ready and I'm running late. Blake'll be here any minute. What's up?" I'm yelling toward the phone while zipping back and forth across my room, looking for my OPI nail polish.
5 comments:
First off: Alcoholism is a tough act to write about. There's a lot of focus in the query about her dependence on it, but I think it even overshadows the rest of what you've got.
Here are some suggestions:
Taylor Stewart has it all --> I would need something more than this to hook me into reading the rest of the query. Great, she's seemingly perfect. Try throwing a punch off the bat.
But she hasn’t become the 'it' girl without a little help from her best friends. Her best friends champagne, zinfandel and chardonnay. --> It's more important that we know this up front than it is knowing that she's seemingly perfect up from. But I'm also a little thrown off. Wine and champagne are a weird choice for a teenager, even a rich one. Teenagers are way more likely to sneak vodka and rum. Most kids haven't gotten a taste for wine, they just want the buzz.
When she is dumped at the beginning of senior year, the façade crumbles. She drinks more to cope, throwing her into a downward spiral. --> I'm thinking this here is where you could start to make this more punchy. You don't have to introduce her history, we want to know where we're going with her.
As an example: When seventeen-year-old (guessing) Taylor gets dumped by her hottie boyfriend at the start of senior year, she turns to her old friends vodka and orange juice for help.
From there, build what happens next. Give us an idea of where we're going, and what the stakes for Taylor are.
One frigid December night, drunk and pissed off after an argument with her arch-frenemy, she gets behind the wheel of a car and slams into a tree less than a mile from home, leaving her near death. When she wakes up, her secret comes out. She’s an addict. --> I haven't read your story, so I'm not sure where the story really starts. Is this what starts the story, or is the dumping? Is the dumping merely the catalyst for this? If so, I'd encourage you to think where the query starts. I might be wrong about my suggestions -- you might have to work this section in, instead.
As a suggestion: When drunk and furious seventeen-year-old Taylor slams into a tree...
Or: Seventeen-year-old Taylor's addiction comes out after she gets in her car and slams into a tree.
The truth is, she can’t survive without alcohol, and she’d rather die than give it up. --> I struggle with what I'm about to tell you as well. We need some hope that she's going to get better, or you might find yourself without an audience. There needs to be hope that she'll face her demons, face the addiction, and face her family. Leave us with that, rather than her unwillingness to change. Show us what could happen.
That is, unless she doesn't change in the end, and this is a cautionary tale. In that case, good luck.
--
The "getting ready for school" scene in your first 150 words doesn't leave me with a great impression. I think you could start elsewhere, maybe. I know you want to set up that she's seemingly perfect, but it doesn't have to be put out for us from the start. Since I haven't read this, I have a hard time picturing what your first scene could realistically be -- but her being dumped sounds like the real start.
I'm liking your voice in the first 150 words. I like the conversation with her friend, but the comment that old people call makes it look like you are trying a little too hard to be teenish. She's quite the character and she has a long way to go and a huge character arc to complete. I like it.
The query feels pretty solid. The hook is good. I love the best friends line.
I know that the conflict here is with the alcohol, but what is her goal? And what will happen if she doesn't reach her goal? I want to know the consequences.
Good luck to you! (#74)
I think you're tackling a tough subject, so kudos to you there!
First off with your query, I think it really could stand to be shortened, and focus on the main stake. You list all the things she does when drinking, when I don't think they all really have to be itemized. Which is the biggie? (Or biggies?) I'm guessing the break-up and accident? Also, I'm a little confused how her being an addict was a "secret" considering you listed several very public scenes that she was drunk and messed things up pretty bad. I'd think it would have logically come out before the accident, especially given how you describe her parents.
I also agree that her drinks of choice seem odd for a teen. I'd think it would be something like vodka too. Or pills are very common these days. Especially if it's something that was more "secret". Smelling like a distillery would be more difficult to hide from perfectionist parents.
And this may be a small thing, but I don't know of any states that offer AP exams in the Fall. I think they are only ever offered in the Spring, so that may affect your timing with the story.
Ok...now that all of THAT is out of the way. =) I do think you have a good story idea, and I like your voice in your 150. I like the relationship between the girls as well. I think the premise of the book is definitely a good one (from what I can get out of it so far.) Just do some tightening, and I'd definitely be interested in seeing where you go with this!
Jodie
#30
I'm loving all these YA contemporaries. I think your query starts off pretty strong. Paragraph three is over-long; you can omit the cliche about the downward spiral and leave it at drinking to cope. I like the examples of her drunken exploits, and I'd move from that right to the car accident, dropping out what she's escaping from by drinking (which is implied by the having it all statements in the first paragraph). We want to get to that conflict with the accident and her secret revealed.
The only other thing in the query that kind of threw me was her choice of alcohol; wines don't seem like a go-to for teen drinking. I suppose if there's a reason--her parents are wine buffs and always have it around, or something like that, it would make sense. But I would imagine more like beer or hard liquor, whatever she can get her hands on, and maybe even some perscription meds mixed in. That's HUGE in high schools right now. Oxy and pain killers.
I like your first 150. The only suggestion I'd make is to ditch the line: I spin a circle... it doesn't add anything except the cliche looking in a mirror statement. Your opening is strong enough without that and you can move right to the outfit, which I like because it doesn't feel overwritten. The pacing is good and I like how the sentences are varied, you clearly have put work into your writing.
Good luck with editing!
I agree that you are tackling a rough subject here - but edgy is where YA is headed.
I think you are missing a great opportunity by not having a hook at the beginning. You would have agents in the palm of your hand if your hook was something like: "Taylor Stewart has three best friends: champagne, zinfandel and chardonnay." Of course, put it in your own words, but this sets your tone and drips with voice and I think you need that in your query.
Your first 150 sets the stage but doesn't have any tension. Is there any way you can have her sneaking a bottle out of a hidden place, so the reader knows from the get go, this girl is headed for trouble?
I think you've got a great premise. Good luck to you!
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