Monday, September 10, 2012

Pitch Polish #65

Title: Lonely Hollow: Synthesis
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: Approx. 48,000

Isolated in a small town in the Colorado mountains, a group of genetically modified teens think themselves the only survivors to a massive global pandemic, but the sudden appearance of a stranger tells them otherwise. Forced to confront new truths and defend their town, they begin developing powerful abilities, with no idea how or why.

First 150 Words:

A stripped, half-burned car stood in the middle of the destroyed road. Silence reigned about the two teen boys in the dusky light of the buildings’ shadows, broken only by a pitter patter of claws here, a cricket’s chirp there.  
As they strode past the ruined car, Kieran pointed left with an open palm to indicate Zane should move that way.  As Zane slipped off, Kieran traced the long-abandoned line of shops with his eyes. Broken glass had blown or washed away years ago, leaving dismal, gaping maws where shop windows had once stood. A stripped mannequin lay next to another destroyed car, arms missing, no wig. Red was painted where her mouth should be, oddly smeared, and two blackened holes filled the area her eyes might once have been.
The two boys met up just as they reached another alley, moving ahead in practiced tandem. Kieran scanned their surroundings, watching for any animals that might cross their paths.


Michelle 4 Laughs said...

Neat idea but the query feels more like an elevator pitch than a query. It would be more enticing with names and more info about the characters.

Nice job with the First 150!

Shiela Calderón Blankemeier said...

I agree with Michelle: this is more of an elevator pitch than a query. But as an elevator pitch, it's pretty darn good. As a query, we need to know what your MC wants (character), what's keeping them from getting it (conflict), and what happens if they fail (stakes). Follow what you already have with these, and I think you'll have a solid query.

Your first 150 give a great sense of tension and nice imagery. I'd read on. Best of luck!

~Shiela #69

Laurie Dennison said...

Hi! This does seem like a cool premise, and I agree with the other commenters that you need more in a query pitch. Since we don't have more to go on, I would suggest specifics when you elaborate. Who is your main character? Whos is the stranger? What new truths? What are they defending the town from? What are their abilities? I hope this helps!

You have a really nice style in the 150, with great descriptions. Best of luck to you!

Nicole said...

Agreed on the query vs. elevator pitch idea. But really, that's great news, because you did the harder (shorter) part first! :)

Now, you can expand it a bit and include specific characters for the query.

I love the mood you create with your first 150 words. Watch repeated words in your descriptions (stripped, destroyed), but otherwise well done!

Unknown said...

I really enjoyed your opening 150 words.
I felt like I slid straight over the query because although it was intriguing I didn't learn enough about your characters. I'd love to know what your MC wants, what's keeping going to stop them getting it, and a little bit about what happens.

Tamara said...

Hey. I thought I'd go straight to your first 150, cause I know everyone already told you to make the query a bit longer. It's a great elevator pitch though!

As far as the 150, I had a couple nitpicky suggestions you can take or leave. :)

This line: Silence reigned about the two teen boys

To me, it felt like it read smoother as: Silence reigned around the two boys.

Also: As they strode past the ruined car, Kieran pointed left with an open palm to indicate Zane should move that way

In that line is it necessary to say "with an open palm?" It slowed the sentence down a bit and felt a little directional. I thought the sentence worked better without it.

Other than that, I have nothing to say except that I liked the first 150 a lot. It drew me in.

If you want to run a revised query past me, I just started a new blog. Feel free to come by and post a link to it in my comment section or whatever (just remind me you're from Pitch Polish) I'd be happy to help with it. And, as I'm always looking to make new writer friends, I'd love it if you'd just stop by to say hi! :)

Good luck with this!