Monday, September 17, 2012

Rd 1 Agent Pitch Contest #32 - LUCKY

NA Paranormal
60,500 words


Surviving the tragedy of 9/11 brought more than a lucky break for seven-year-old Abby Toombs. It ushered in her destiny.
When Abby jumps in front of a bullet on her eighteenth birthday, she ends the rampage of a mad shooter and discovers a gift—coming back to life. A code imprinted on a childhood gift reveals that Abby is the key to saving strangers from a series of catastrophic events. She just has to sacrifice herself.
Hired bodyguard, Ace, joins Abby on her quest and finds himself entangled in the impossible task of keeping her alive. Saving a girl with a death wish is harder than it sounds.

FIRST 150 words:

New York City -2001

Abby cringed in the blackness smothering her.  It was darker than her bedroom without her Barbie nightlight. Blacker than the magic markershe used to draw on cardboard boxes. Black as licorice candy from Halloween. But she guessed she wasn’t dead.

Because death would be still and quiet, not jolting with thunderous noises.

Her arms and legs remained trapped in a tangle of concrete. She dreamt of rubbing her eyes, half-glued together and caught at the edges in a crusty seal.

When she opened her mouth, her dry tongue glued to the bottom of her teeth. She tried to scream or a yell, but nothing came out. Mama had been there beside her earlier. Where was she now? Surely Mama would find her soon.

Her thirst irritated like the droning of the giant horsefly caught inside their car last summer. Coming forward, buzzing back.


SugarMagnolia said...

Thanks for participating! My plan is to read through all the entries and then begin my comments and critiques. I will give out my top ten my votes when I'm finished.

Best of luck to you, and stay tuned!

SugarMagnolia said...

(Hi again! I plan to give out comments during this round, and then I'll give out my top ten votes as soon as I have critiqued everyone's queries.)

Your first 150 words are very visceral and well-written. You write with a very powerful immediacy, and I can totally "feel" what Abby is going through. A very strong start.

Your query, on the other hand, doesn't feel like it's 100% there yet to me. It's very close, but I still don't think it does your first 150 words justice.

I know we all preach brevity and word count with queries, but I would actually suggest fattening this up just a little bit. I want to know more about Abby, and I want to know why she has a hired bodyguard. Where did this childhood gift come from? Does anybody else know what is going on? Is she romantically interested in her bodyguard? Is Ace even close to her age?

I don't want to suggest your query isn't well written, because it definitely is. I just want a little bit more from it.

Thanks for posting this. I really, really like this premise.