Monday, September 17, 2012

Rd 1 Agent Pitch Contest #28 - EVERDREAM

Middle Grade Fantasy


The last of the dreams are running out…

It’s been thirteen years since the Queen of Ravens cast the spell to strip all Taravel’s inhabitants of dreams. Or so she thought. Unbeknownst to her, one remains who can dream unaided - Eleven, the dreamseer.

An orphan, El has been raised in a black market dream caravan, caring for the ponies who grant people the ability to dream artificially. The citizens of Taravel pay generously for a ride on the dream carousel, a chance to touch the magical, dream-inducing manes of the ponies. But when the ponies start losing their ability to spin dreams, which is the only way anyone can dream anymore, El knows she must do something.

Accompanied by Dusti, a persnickety pony, and Ryn, the pirate-poet, El sets out to break the Queen’s spell. The three companions’ adventures take them from crystal pirate ships, to cities in the sky, to underground palaces and the home of a sea witch. Along the way El realizes there’s a lot more at stake than the ponies: a rebellion is brewing, the Queen has learned of her existence, and the truth about her parents is far different than she ever imagined. And worst of all, if El doesn’t free the dreams soon, they’ll be gone forever.

First 150:

Dreams seeped through the flaps of the tent, escaping into the sky like multi-colored ghosts. It was a busy night in the caravan. Though the metallic taste of thunder sat on my tongue and dark clouds pressed down over the crowd, we were still packed. The other merchants had begun to close up for the night. But we weren’t exactly ordinary merchants.

I counted people as I walked along the line snaking out of the purple and white striped tent. Sixty-two. Eight-eight. Ninety-six. When I hit one hundred I cut in.

“Sorry, but this is the cap for the night.” I watched the opposite expressions of relief and disappointment on the faces of the two people I stood between. Groans and angrier protests rose around me.

I walked back to the tent as the crowd behind lucky number one hundred dispersed into the darkness.


SugarMagnolia said...

Thanks for participating! My plan is to read through all the entries and then begin my comments and critiques. I will give out my top ten my votes when I'm finished.

Best of luck to you, and stay tuned!

SugarMagnolia said...

(Hi again! I plan to give out comments during this round, and then I'll give out my top ten votes as soon as I have critiqued everyone's queries.)

What a great concept! I love the idea of dreams as black market commodities, and your creativity shines so brightly in this query. This seems like such an original idea, and I can tell you've had a lot of fun creating this story.

The first sentence of your 150 words is perfect. I also love your use of sensory details with the "metallic" taste of thunder.

Just a note on your query. I'm not sure the "..." serves you well in your first sentence. I also wonder if you could kick that sentence up just a notch to make it even more show-stopping.

Such a minor detail in an otherwise fantastic query. Excellent job!

Violet said...

Wow. Just WOW! This is SO not my usual cup of tea, but OMGAWSH, I LOVE this!

This is such a high concept premise, but you do a great job of breaking it down and keeping the plot clear in the query. Also, I love the way you infused a little world building into it ;-)

And your opening!! THAT sealed the deal for me. Your prose are beee-uuuu-ti-ful!! You really have a talent for breathing life into your words. Well done!


Alaskan Ninja said...

This entry had me at "pirate poet," and it only got better from there. Best luck!

Jessie said...

This story sounds fantastic! There is so much engaging material and the query is perfectly written. Awesome job!

SugarMagnolia said...

All done reading entries! Violet's comment pretty much sums up my feelings about this entry. I cannot get this beautiful, dreadful carnival out of my head.


Baby said...