Monday, September 17, 2012

Rd 1 Agent Pitch Contest #40 - IMMORTAL DILEMMA

IMMORTAL DILEMMA
New Adult Urban Fantasy
78,000 words

Query:

Tristan Trevosier is big business.  His band Immortal Dilemma is in residence on the Las Vegas Strip, reality show Immortal Forever is on constant repeat, and everyone is obsessed with the Vegas Vampire rock scene.

Eighteen year old hippie island girl Callie has no reason to question why everyone in her family tried to keep her away from her first love, Tristan. She’s used to them being overprotective. Despite their objections, Callie has enrolled at Las Vegas State to reconnect with him.

Soon she finds Tristan and the rest of the reality show vampire show vampires aren't acting.

Callie’s not the only one drawn to Tristan.  Her roommate, Janelle, has her own agenda and is all too willing to help Callie find her way.  Mogul Talis de Rancourt has carefully created the Immortal Dilemma franchise and has little patience for disruptions to her plan.  Rabid fans are drawn to the band, thanks to a supernatural force called Bloodlust. Blade seems to be everything that Callie wishes Tristan was and she begins to want him more and more, but Blade has his own issues with Tristan as well.

Now Callie must weave her way through a world she had no idea existed; a stream of insatiable groupies, paparazzi, and wild after show parties to find her place in Tristan’s new afterlife.  Tristan is struggling with his own addictions, and Callie is one of them.

First 150 words:

Tristan, Los Angeles, 2010.

All I could see through my haze was blonde hair.  Even though I knew that what I was seeing and who was there were two different things, I didn’t care.  I just wanted the pain to go away.
My post show ritual was always the same.  A drink, a line, a girl.  Usually in that order, but it didn’t matter.  It didn’t matter what or who they were, either.  Tonight, I already had taken care of the first two.  This chick had my attention.  She smelled like fresh air, sunshine…familiar.

“I can make you a star in your own right, Tristan,” she whispered in my ear as she ran her hand lightly down my chest.  Her fingers were cool to the touch.  
I closed my eyes, moaning as she nibbled at my neck.  I was sick of being billed as my father’s son.  But what could this girl offer that my father couldn’t?

4 comments:

SugarMagnolia said...

Thanks for participating! My plan is to read through all the entries and then begin my comments and critiques. I will give out my top ten my votes when I'm finished.

Best of luck to you, and stay tuned!

LyndseyLewellen said...

Hi there!

Congrats on getting in to GUTGAA! I enjoyed your premise and love the bad rocker twist to an urban fantasy.
My only concern is with the many names in your query's 3rd paragraph. I got a little confused.
Besides that, I think your book sounds very interesting!

Good luck!

deadlyeverafter said...

Very promising! I am excited to see the next step for you.

--Julie

SugarMagnolia said...

(Hi again! I plan to give out comments during this round, and then I'll give out my top ten votes as soon as I have critiqued everyone's queries.)

I love your title, and your word count is spot-on. I think an initial hurdle you will encounter--which you no doubt already know--is the fact that vampires are a really hard sell right now. The market is so saturated that it's incredibly difficult to find shelf space.

That being said, I do think publishers are still open to vampire novels with very unique spins, and yours does sound very different from others I've seen. I love the rocker angle, and I can only imagine how sensory and rich a novel like this must be with Vegas as a backdrop.

My biggest concern with your query is the fact that I think your fourth paragraph gets a little muddled. There are so many names that it reads more like a synopsis than a query to me. I was also thrown off by the casual mention of "Blade." I have no idea who he is, yet he seems important enough to deserve his own introduction.

I think you could consider cutting the roommate--and possibly Talis de Rancourt--to give yourself more room to get to the heart of things. Identify your central conflict, and try your best to stick to that.

Overall, an interesting premise with an amazing setting. Well done!