LET MY LIFE BE PROOF
NEW ADULT: CONTEMPORARY
70,000 words
QUERY:
At nineteen, prodigy Emme Sawyer flew through her undergrad work and was well on her way to becoming a doctor when the money ran out. Drawn in by the promise of a free education, she joins the Navy. Earning the title of Hospital Corpsman, Emme gets deployed to Afghanistan.With the front lines blurred, she fights side by side with the men. Risking her own life to save the wounded, Emme learns that sometime being smart isn’t enough and death doesn’t care if you’re a girl.
Emme struggles against the cultural biases of a foreign land and the limitations her unit is put under while trying to push out the Taliban. Shutting off her emotions, Emme numbs herself to the loss of her men. That is until she begins to have feelings for her commanding officer. Feelings she doesn’t want and isn’t supposed to have for a member of her team. When her C.O. reciprocates, Emme learns that sometimes love might just be worth the risk. After Emme sustains life-threatening injuries, and is shipped home, her life begins to crumble. Faced with the nightmares of her deployment and unresolved feelings for her C.O., Emme must choose to move forward in a world she no longer feels a part of or figure out how to get back to the men she left behind.
FIRST 150 Words:
The rapid pop of machine guns broke the quiet of the evening. I ducked as the bullets hit—exploding the wall behind me, and sending a cloud of dust into my face.
“Shots fired, left flank,” came shouts from the men around me.
Before we could respond an IED blew down the road, sending shards of debris everywhere.
When the dust settled I sat up and yelled, “Everyone alright?”
“Man down! Man down!”
I slid over to where the soldier lay sprawled. “It’s okay. You’re going to be okay,” I said while I assessed his injuries.
The IED had completely removed one leg and the other was badly damaged. I dug out two rubber straps and secured them around each leg, then stabbed him with a shot of morphine.
“You’re just a kid,” the soldier groaned. “And you’re a girl.”
“I’m a corpsman.”
“Is it bad?” he asked.
“You’re gonna be fine,” I tried to assure him.
Monday, September 17, 2012
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5 comments:
Thanks for participating! My plan is to read through all the entries and then begin my comments and critiques. I will give out my top ten my votes when I'm finished.
Best of luck to you, and stay tuned!
(Hi again! I plan to give out comments during this round, and then I'll give out my top ten votes as soon as I have critiqued everyone's queries.)
A very interesting take on an area of storytelling that is generally restricted to a man's point of view. I can only imagine how intense many of these scenes are, and I love the idea of the forbidden romance. (You may want to explain what "C.O." stands for, though, because I imagine many readers have never heard this term before.)
Here are a couple of my thoughts. I'm afraid your query reads a bit more like a synopsis than a query to me. It seems like you are giving me a play-by-play run-down without really interjecting those tantalizing details we love to find on book jackets. I also think you give away too much of the story in your query.
When I write my queries, I stick to ending them with the turn from Act One into Act Two. This sets up my story and entices people to be interested without giving away too much information. (Like that bit about Emme sustaining life-threatening injuries and being shipped home. I would rather not know about that, because it would be more fun to worry that MIGHT happen. Does that make sense?)
That being said, I think you have some great material to work with, and I'm sure this query will shine once you've given it more of a "book jacket feeling." A very interesting idea!
This feels like a fresh idea. Something normally from a male POV, like SugarMagnolia pointed out. This could be an amazingly sad and intense book.
I would like more voice in the query so that I can get a feel for Emme. Just small things to help me to really see who she is. I wanted that from the first 150 but you didn't give me enough emotion. I would imagine in the heat of battle even if you'd turned your emotions off that they'd still be pushing to break through. That being said. I think your idea and the actual writing are really good. Good luck!
You have my vote!
Okay, so I really, really love this premise. I get the feeling that this is one of those gritty books that will really make you think and feel, but at the same time, there's this swoon-worthy romance that'll melt hearts.
That being said, I wasn't too crazy about your opening words. Agents have said time and time again that you shouldn't start your book with an action scene. It's kind of jarring to the reader. I think the scene would have more impact placed later on in the book, because at this point, the reader isn't emotionally invested in the characters or the plot. Plus, starting with this scene leaves little opportunity to showcase your voice.
That being said, I think you have an amazing story here. The opening is an easy fix--just a matter of moving things around. Soooo . . .
YOU HAVE MY VOTE!
Thank you for all your comments. I have posted a revised query, trying to incorporate your thoughts.
At nineteen, prodigy Emme Sawyer flew through her undergrad work and was well on her way to becoming a doctor when the money ran out. Drawn in by the promise of a free education, she joins the Navy. Earning the title of Hospital Corpsman, Emme gets deployed to Afghanistan.
With the front lines blurred, she fights side by side with the men. Risking her own life to save the wounded, Emme learns that sometime being smart isn’t enough and death doesn’t care if you’re a girl.
Emme struggles to play by the rules of engagement when it seems the enemy has a different rule book. Never certain who her enemy is, Emme shuts off her emotions to focus on the only thing that makes sense, saving her men. That is until she begins to have feelings for her commanding officer. Feelings she doesn’t want and isn’t supposed to have for a member of her team. When her commanding officer reciprocates, Emme can’t figure out how mix love and war. After Emme is shipped home, her life begins to crumble. Faced with the nightmares of her deployment and unresolved feelings for her commanding officer, Emme must choose to move forward in a world she no longer feels a part of or figure out how to get back to the men she left behind.
LET MY LIFE BE PROOF is a Contemporary New Adult novel.
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