Monday, September 17, 2012

Rd 1 Agent Pitch Contest #5 - BEAR HANDS, BEAR FEET

Bear Hands, Bear Feet
Picture Book
340 Words

Query:

On his birthday, Rowan wishes to look more like everyone else. But when nothing happens, and Rowan finds that he still has Bear Hands, it will take a kitten in a tree, a girl with Bear Feet, and a colony of bees to help him discover that being "different" can have sweet benefits.

First 150 Words:

On his birthday, Rowan wished to look more like everyone else. But nothing happened.

Instead of his wish, he received 5 balloons, a ukelele, and a pair of mittens knitted by grandma.

Disappointed with his presents, Rowan stomped outside hoping to find someone to play with.
But everyone seemed busy doing things that Rowan couldn't.

He felt frustrated. He felt furious! He felt ferocious! HE FELT….meow!

Rowan looked up and saw a small kitten high up in a tree. "Help!" cried a girl in a nearby treehouse.

"That kitten is stuck!"

Rowan easily climbed the tree, rescuing the kitten.

Once he climbed down, he was surprised to meet the girl from the treehouse, who said her name was Melina.

"You are SUCH a good climber" said Melina.

Rowan had never thought about it before. He WAS a good climber.

Rowan and Melina talked all day about  the good and bad things about their bear hands and feet.

6 comments:

SugarMagnolia said...

Thanks for participating! My plan is to read through all the entries and then begin my comments and critiques. I will give out my top ten my votes when I'm finished.

Best of luck to you, and stay tuned!

Tracy Bermeo (A2Z Mommy) said...

I like the idea of realizing something positive from being different, but I don't understand the Bear Hands and Bear Feet. Is the MC a human boy with strange hands and feet? Is he a bear living with a human family who wants to be a boy? I think there is a good start here, but some clarification in the query would be helpful.

Jessie said...

Hi Tracy,

Thanks for your feedback. Yes, the main character is a human boy who has bear hands. If you are interested, you can see images of him on my blog. I am an illustrator first and formost, so I really appreciate any and all feedback about the clarity of my writing.

SugarMagnolia said...

(Hi again! I plan to give out comments during this round, and then I'll give out my top ten votes as soon as I have critiqued everyone's queries.)

I love your first 150 words, and I can tell you definitely have what it takes. Your writing is evocative and concise, and I can totally picture Rowan's day while he's stomping around outside.

The only thing I can't picture from your query is what Rowan looks like. I see from your comment above that Rowan is a human boy with bear hands, so I definitely think that's something that should be explained in your query. (I initially pictured him as a bear, and then I was wondering why he didn't like his hands. ;))

A super easy fix, and an excellent story!

Jessie said...

SugarMagnolia-

Thank you SO MUCH for the constructive criticism and kind words. I'm sure many people are familiar with staring at something for so long that you forget what is and isn't obvious about your work. After the suggestion from you and Tracy, I will definitely be revisiting the clarity of my character description. It feel really good to get positive feedback about my writing. I really appreciate it :)

The Rooster said...

Cute story! I think your query could have a bit more voice. It isn't long so you have room to add Rowan into it. The first 150 made me laugh a few times. I love the meow sentence.

Good job and good luck in the future!