Monday, September 17, 2012

Rd 1 Agent Pitch Contest #6 - Oh No, Moe!

Oh No, Moe!
Picture Book


Moe the mouse tries every year to win Tarry Town’s annual Halloween costume contest so he can ride in the parade.  He just wishes his costumes would stop playing tricks on him.  The first year his dragon tail got caught in the door and he missed the judging.   Last year his scary monster costume just wasn’t scary enough. This year Moe has the perfect plan to win first prize!

Oh No, Moe! is a 395-word holiday tale for children ages 4 through 8 about one mouse’s search for the perfect Halloween costume.

First 150 words:

All the mice in Tarry Town scurry around, squeaking with excitement.  The annual Halloween party is just three days away.  The winner of the costume contest will ride in the town’s Halloween parade.  The mice know what they are going to wear.  Every mouse that is, except Moe.

Moe digs around in his closet looking for the perfect costume.   He really wants to win this year.  Three years ago, he was a dragon.  His brother, Teenie, said, “Oh no, Moe! Your tail got caught!”  

Two years ago, he was a lion.  His sister, Queenie, said, “Oh no, Moe! Your mane’s too long!”

Last year he was a monster.  His other sister, Mary, said, “Oh no, Moe!  You’re too funny!”  Moe doesn’t know what to do.  How will he ever win the costume contest?

Finally, the day of the party arrives.  Moe sits nibbling on cheese and crackers while the other mice show him their costumes.


SugarMagnolia said...

Thanks for participating! My plan is to read through all the entries and then begin my comments and critiques. I will give out my top ten my votes when I'm finished.

Best of luck to you, and stay tuned!

Tracy MacDonald said...

I love your query. In the first 150 though, I think you could expand on what happened with the costumes through some more dialog between Moe and his siblings. This would create more showing rather than telling. I always have Halloween costume drama and I can totally appreciate Moe's dilemma. Very cute story.

Donna L Martin said...

Hi SugarMagnolia!

Thank you for taking the time to participate in GUTGAA! I look forward to your comments and critique.

Take care,

Donna L Martin

Donna L Martin said...

Hi Tracy!

Thank you for your input! I really appreciate you taking the time to read my query and first 150. I will be sure to keep your suggestions in mind when doing any revisions.

Take care,

Donna L Martin

SugarMagnolia said...

(Hi again! I plan to give out comments during this round, and then I'll give out my top ten votes as soon as I have critiqued everyone's queries.)

What a cute idea! I can only imagine how adorable this will be with all its pictures.

Nicely done!

Donna L Martin said...

Thank you SugarMagnolia. I received help from critique groups as well as industry professionals to sharpen and improve my writing skills. I appreciate your comments.

Donna L Martin

The Rooster said...

I really think this book sounds super cute! We love holiday books in my house. It was a hard decision and I wish I'd have 20 more votes to give out.

Good luck in the future!

Donna L Martin said...

Thank you, Rooster, for your kind words. I am not so wrapped up in my own work (even when I KNOW I have a strong story) that I can't see and appreciate stellar work. The stories receiving the votes DESERVED them!

That doesn't mean I won't be knocking at your "email" door one day asking you to look my story again...;~)

Thanks for all you do for the writing community!

Take care,

Donna L Martin