Monday, September 10, 2012

Pitch Polish #22


UGLY
Contemporary YA
45,000 words

Query:

Seventeen year-old Vanessa perceives herself as ugly, especially since her former friend Joy has screamed that insult at her for the past two years. Full of pain over her parents’ rejection, being bullied by Joy and having no friends Vanessa numbs herself by drinking at weekend parties. Her downward spiral has made her abandon her love of dance, which she use to be good at. 

Thanks to alcohol demolishing her self-restraint and causing blackouts she invites the wrong person into her life, Adam, who demands their relationship remains a secret. When Vanessa meets former bad-boy Travis, she begins to believe she’s someone worth caring about. 

Travis begins helping her to pull away from her dependency on alcohol and Adam when her world begins to crumble. A cell phone video of three classmates assaulting her is sent to everyone in school. It’s been edited so that she looks like a willing participant. With a few unlikely allies by her side, Vanessa takes control of her own life and makes a stand against her attackers.

UGLY, a contemporary YA novel of 45,000 words, is an account and aftermath of the struggle against bullying and sexual exploitation as seen from three points of view: the victim, the bully, and a new friend.

Thank you for your time and attention.

First 150 Words:
     Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; that’s what the famous quote says. The one written by Plato. I don’t believe it. At least, I’ve never felt this way. I think it
is made up by someone who was beautiful; one who has no idea what it is like to feel ordinary. Definitely not written by someone who is ugly.  
I am not beautiful in any way, shape or form. I never have been. I am not particularly smart, so I don’t have that going for me. I don’t have some amazing talent
that exceeds anyone’s expectations of the average 17 year old. That is not to say that I am not able to do things well. I can. I am able. I am just not the best at
 anything.  
     I am not looking for pity from anyone. I am just expressing my thoughts; those that I feel are real and true.


7 comments:

Deana said...

Hey! Your query is one that I accidentally posted too early, so I am pasting a couple of comments for it that were made early this morning.

This one is from Cat:
The wordcount seems awfully low for a story with so much going on. I love your theme. Alcoholism in children/teens is something not many novels tackle and one with terrible consequences (especially when the drinker becomes pregnant because the baby will inevitably by brain damages, some more, some less severe). So, I applaud you for the guts.

The sample doesn't really grab me but that might just be due to the fact that I'm way outside your reading group (neither teenager, parent of a foster child with brain damage due to alcohol, and 100% fantasy fan ;-) )

Deana said...

And this one is from Jessica L Foster:

There does seem to be a need for books that deal with tough subjects like this, so good premise.

The query is a wee bit confusing though. There is a lot of characters and plot points in there. For example Joy. She isn't mentioned any other place but the first paragraph. Is she super important? If so connect her to the rest of the query. If not, take her out. We'll get to know her as we read the book.
And I'm not sure why both Adam and Travis are mentioned there.

Your sample pages starts off with a pretty strong voice, maybe incorporate more of that into the query?
Also, the query ends on a pretty satisfying note. She's taking control of her life. That feels more like a book end than a query end. End it in a place that makes the query reader go "Agh! I have to know what happens next!"

Sarah J Schmitt said...

I'm not sure which HTML Codes I can use, since this is my first post, but I made some suggestions to your query. Feel free to take them or leave them. Everything that's in italics? are things I suggest you cut.

Query:
Seventeen year-old Vanessa perceives herself as ugly, especially since her former friend Joy has screamed that insult at her for the past two years. For the last two years, all Vanessa has heard is how ugly she is. Add that to the pain of Full of pain over her parents’ rejection(WHY IS SHE BEING REJECTED?), being bullied by her ex-best friend Joy and having no friends one to confide in, Vanessa numbs herself by drinking at weekend parties. Her downward spiral has made her abandon her love of dance, which she use to be good at. (THIS SENTENCE IS A BIT WEAK... CAN YOU PUNCH IT UP? WHY DOES SHE ABANDON IT? HANG OVER, INSTRUCTOR KICKS HER OUT/CONFRONTS HER?)

Thanks to alcohol demolishing her self-restraint and causing blackouts she invites the wrong person into her life, Adam, who demands their relationship remains a secret. (THIS SENTENCE LEAVES ME WITH LOTS OF QUESTIONS... THE SELF-RESTRAINT ISSUES AND BLACKOUTS ARE PART OF THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL, SO EITHER ADD IT TO THE FIRST PARAGRAPH OR CUT IT. MAKE THIS PARAGRAPH ABOUT ADAM AND WHY SHE LETS HIM INTO HER LIFE. WHY DOES HE WANT THEIR RELATIONSHIP TO BE A SECRET? HOW CAN THIS RELATIONSHIP MAKE HER LIFE EVEN WORSE.) When Vanessa meets former bad-boy Travis, she begins to believe she’s someone worth caring about.

Travis begins helping her to pull away from her dependency on alcohol and Adam when her world begins to crumble. A cell phone video of three classmates assaulting her is sent to everyone in school. It’s been edited so that she looks like a willing participant. With a few unlikely allies by her side, Vanessa takes control of her own life and makes a stand against her attackers.

UGLY, a contemporary YA novel of 45,000 words, is an account and aftermath of the struggle against bullying and sexual exploitation as seen from three points of view: the victim, the bully, and a new friend.

Thank you for your time and attention.


Comments: There is so much going on in this query I had to stop. First, any story is about three things: The Goals of the MC, their motivation for wanting what they want and the conflicts that stand in the way of them achieving that goal. Perhaps if you use this to tighten up your query, you can highlight the issues Vanessa is facing and how she attempts to deal with them. Also, the last paragraph, where you say, "is an account and aftermath of the struggle against bullying and sexual exploitation as seen from three points of view: the victim, the bully, and a new friend."... perhaps you can find a way to weave this into the query so you are showing instead of telling.



First 150 Words:
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; that’s what the famous quote says. The one written by Plato. I don’t believe it. At least, I’ve never felt this way. I think it's made up by someone who was beautiful; one who has no idea what it is like to feel ordinary. Definitely not written by someone who is ugly.
(I WOULD CUT THIS PARAGRAPH. YOUR REAL STORY IS ABOUT THE MC, SO START WITH HER.)

I'm not beautiful in any way, shape or form. I never have been. I am not particularly smart, so I don’t have that going for me. I don’t have some amazing talent
that exceeds anyone’s expectations of the average 17 year old. That is not to say that I am not able to do things well. I can. I am able. I am just not the best at anything. (THIS PARAGRAPH DOESN'T MAKE YOUR CHARACTER STANDOUT... SHE'S AN ORDINARY GIRL IN AN ORDINARY WORLD. EXCEPT SHE'S NOT... SHE'S GOOD AT DANCE. SO SAY THAT.)
I am not looking for pity from anyone. I am just expressing my thoughts; those that I feel are real and true.

Meagan said...

First off: 45,000 words. The novel is too short, especially for everything that you're including in the query. It'll be an alarm bell singing: can she touch everything in-depth if she needs to, in just 45,000 words?

Second: Voice. We need more of it. We need to really hear Vanessa's pain, we need to care about her. How can you do that? Toy with the wording.

Seventeen year-old Vanessa perceives herself as ugly ---> perceives is an awkward word. "sees" might be better use.

especially since her former friend Joy has screamed that insult at her for the past two years. ---> hold this line. we don't want all of the backstory in the query, but this is still useful.

Full of pain over her parents’ rejection --> what rejection? i'd also consider holding that line, because it is also backstory that may/may not be important to include

being bullied by Joy --> i think if you're going to include anything about Joy, do it with a short line like this.

and having no friends Vanessa numbs herself by drinking at weekend parties. --> now i'm curious why she doens't have any friends -- but i'm also curious how she gets to parties / gets invited / goes if she doesn't have amy friends?

Her downward spiral has made her abandon her love of dance, which she use to be good at. ---> this comes out of left field. we need to know this sooner.

Thanks to alcohol demolishing her self-restraint and causing blackouts she invites the wrong person into her life --> the wording here can be a lot tighter.

When Vanessa meets former bad-boy Travis, she begins to believe she’s someone worth caring about. ---> hey! author! right here! this is something you could start with. because it sounds like this is where the story finally starts. is it?

Travis begins helping her to pull away from her dependency on alcohol and Adam when her world begins to crumble. --> yep, it sounds like *this* is the story.

A cell phone video of three classmates assaulting her is sent to everyone in school. --> clarification: is it sexual assault? make that clearer, if it is. also! also! right here! the other place this could start!

It’s been edited so that she looks like a willing participant. With a few unlikely allies by her side, Vanessa takes control of her own life and makes a stand against her attackers. --> these past few lines are really what i think your query should be build from. so going from that, let's build. and i'll give you my skeleton. you put the muscle:


An edited video of three classmates [assaulting] seventeen-year-old Vanessa leaks, making her looking like a willing participant. With a few unlikely allies by her side, Vanessa takes control of her own life and makes a stand against her attackers.

or:

When seventeen-year-old Vanessa meets former bad-boy Travis, she begins to believe she’s someone worth caring about.

pick which one you think might be more aligned with what your story is, and build from there.

--

First 150:

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; that’s what the famous quote says. --> I would absolutely definitely not start off with this. This is the first line of your book, the one you want to hook your reader. We've heard that so many times.

Definitely not written by someone who is ugly. --> however, if you really, really want to, go with the idea that the author of the quote is probably not an ugly teenage girl. That might pique some interest.

I'm not beautiful in any way, shape or form. I never have been.... ---> there are a LOT of "I"s in this first 150 words. in fact, there are 15 instance in 150 words. it's not just that -- there's no voice. but also, i thought she danced?

think about where you really wanted to start. show us something, rather than telling us right off that bat that Vanessa's a uggo. show us that she thinks that of herself.

Jane Ann McLachlan said...

I agree with the above comments, especially Sarah's. I also wouldn't state up front that Adam is the bad BF and Travis is the good one. You have to say enough to intrigue your reader, but not so much they lose interest. "downward spiral" is a cliche - avoid it. Always start with a hook: what if... or how do you... and give the main problem in the book. What is the heroine's main problem when the story begins? Not how she got there, not what you think it is, but what does she think it is? Start your query with that.

Stephsco said...

Something to keep in mind overall is to give your main character something that readers can root for. She can certainly be damaged and withdrawn, but she'll need an endearing quality for readers to latch on. Does she have a goal, dreams, a passion? If she has one thing in her life that's keeping her from destruction, I think that's an important factor to work in. Even if she veers into a dangerous relationship, I would caution you not to make the guys the only saving grace; YA stories today are full of strong heroines who, while broken, still have issues a boy alone can't solve.

I'm definitely intrigued by your ending comment in the query that the story is from three points of view. If this is the case, I would make it clear in the bulk of the query each of the three MCs character, goal and obstacle to overcome. Right now the query reads like the story is all about Vanessa from her POV.

As for the wordcount, it is on the low end, but I've seen on agent blogs wordcount suggestions that dip pretty low. Still, I would think a story like yours sounds more upper-YA and you might want to explore some of the deeper themes further. Especially with three POVs I'd think you'd have a lot of material.

As for your opening words, it's a little risky to begin with a cliche, although it's obvious the MC is trivializing the quote. Maybe you could frame this more in the characters voice. Something like: I never believed that quote about beauty being in the eye of the beholder. It must have been made up by someone beautiful... etc. This reads a bit like a journal entry. That could be a cool opening angle, actually. If it's not, then that last line about expressing thoughts feels a little out of place and not needed.

Best of luck to you. :)

Stephsco said...

^ I just realized the MC used to dance and now she doesn't I think highlighting that concept will help attract reader support for Vanessa. Sorry I missed that!