Monday, September 10, 2012

Pitch Polish #30


TITLE OF MANUSCRIPT: Summer of Hope
GENRE: YA Contemporary
WORD COUNT: 52,000

Query: 
A horrific accident. A loss of faith in God. A breakdown in family. A vow to never love again. A boy that changes her life. A summer of hope.
Sixteen year old Callie is furious that her parents expect her to just pick up and go to their family vacation home for the summer. This will be the first year without her twin brother Jamie being there too. He wasn't just her brother, he was her best friend. She's mad at God, she's sick of her parents, she just wants to escape from it all. Instead, she ends up making friends with "The Perfects." They're the kind of girls Callie always wanted to be like and wasn't...perfect hair, perfect clothes, perfect boyfriends. Her plan to self-destruct seems to be going along just...well, perfectly...until she meets the new neighbor. She finds herself drawn to Ethan, until she finds out that he has a secret he'd been hiding from her. He was tired of being the "sick kid" back home, andwanted a summer to escape the label. But his confession to Callie kick-starts a series of events that affect both of them, forever.
Summer of Hope is a YA contemporary fiction novel that would appeal to readers who enjoy reading Jessi Kirby or Sarah Dessen. I have my B.S. in English Education from Penn State University, and am pursuing my M.S. in Mental Health Counseling. I was a contracted "Featured Storyteller" on Storyofmylife.com, and served as the co-editor of The Circle Magazine, a regional arts and literary publication.
First 150 Words:
 "No!" Sobbing, Callie sat up and punched the pale yellow wallpaper next to her bed. She was afraid to go to sleep; she couldn't remember the last time she had slept without the dream recurring. It played over and over again in her head.
Jamie, laughing with his friends, reaching over to elbow Matt over something Callie couldn't hear from where she was standing.
It was a gorgeous spring day. The classic kind that makes everyone want to just forget about any responsibilities they might have indoors, and enjoy the sunshine and breeze and just being alive. It was also the kind of day that makes sixteen-year-old kids try to be impressive and drive like they're in the Indy 500.
They said Jamie never even knew what hit him. He had barely stepped down from the curb when a convertible roared around the turn, ignoring the stop sign, and ran directly into him.

12 comments:

Jenna and Ashley said...

The premise of your plot has the potential for some gritty and raw emotion! I do think 52,000 is too short for a full MS. 70,000-90,000 is what I've heard to be complete through workshops and research.

"Her plan to self-destruct seems to be going along just...well, perfectly...until she meets the new neighbor. She finds herself drawn to Ethan, until she finds out that he has a secret he'd been hiding from her." (TWO UNTILS)

I'm not sure how I feel about the first paragraph. Each sentence starts with the same word, and this seems like it could go into the book blurb but is too bland for a query. It doesn't show the agents you understand sentence variety or how to vary sentence beginnings. Maybe start query with:
"Callie and Jamie were more than twins. They understood each other's lame jokes, fought until they cried, and were the kind of best friends epic novels were written about. Now Jamie's bed is empty, his life stolen by a driver who rolled straight through a stop sign." Okay, so, you shouldn't end with a preposition like about, and you'd be character specific with the examples, but you get the picture. Then go onto the summer vacation. If the query doesn't reflect the personality of your character or stand out in a unique way, the agent might stop reading. Make it worth his time. SHOW him your writing skills will make him laugh and tear his heart out. GIVE IT SOME VOICE!

"She's mad at God, she's sick of her parents, she just wants to escape from it all. Instead, she ends up making friends with "The Perfects."" (LOOK AT ALL THE SHE'S IN JUST TWO SENTENCES)

"She finds herself drawn to Ethan, until she finds out that he has a secret he'd been hiding from her." (SAME PROBLEM)

"...and (SPACE) wanted a summer to escape the label."

FAVORITE SENTENCE:
"Her plan to self-destruct seems to be going along just...well, perfectly...until she meets the new neighbor." SHOWS THE MOST PERSONALITY BECAUSE IT IS HOW THE CHARACTER WOULD THINK. THE 'WELL, PERFECTLY' DOES THIS.

First 150:
-Starting a MS with dialogue is often debated. If you are going to start with dialogue, maybe choose something more interesting to catch the reader's attention quickly.
-Three "she's" in the third sentence.
-For a first flashback/dream, it's super vague and doesn't give us any idea who Jamie and Matt are. Why should we care about them? Show us some characteristics. If you throw a ton of names at the reader first without explanation, they'll be confused.
-"It was a gorgeous spring day." I don't know that this is not part of the dream until I read the entire fourth paragraph. What about switching your fourth paragraph to your first instead?
"They said Jamie never even knew what hit him. (ENTER, TAB because it's important enough to be its own paragraph- I WOULD KEEP READING AFTER A FIRST LINE LIKE THAT) He'd barely stepped down from the curb..."

I hope this helps! Queries are difficult because they are such a short amount of space to really wow someone, but take out some of those repeated words and really make it shine!
Good luck!

-Jenna

Meagan said...

A horrific accident. A loss of faith in God. A breakdown in family. A vow to never love again. A boy that changes her life. A summer of hope. --> This is the kind of thing that you might want to set aside for a different purpose.


Sixteen year old Callie is furious that her parents expect her to just pick up and go to their family vacation home for the summer. --> This can be a good start, but we need more to hold on to. I can think of a ton of YA books off the top of my head that start with peopel going to a summer home, and someone being irked by it. Set yours apart from the start, one way or the other.

This will be the first year without her twin brother Jamie being there too. He wasn't just her brother, he was her best friend. --> Tighten this, and be explicit with how he died. We'll read this story different if it was cancer vs. he committed suicide vs. killed by a drunk driver etc

Her plan to self-destruct --> We haven't been informed of this plan yet. Does it have to do with the people she's befriended? These are the details we need to know. We don't necessarily need to know she lacks the perfection they hold. We do need to know what her plans are.

seems to be going along just...well, perfectly...until she meets the new neighbor. -- Cut the ellipses.

But his confession to Callie kick-starts a series of events that affect both of them, forever. --> I jumped down to here, because it sounds like you left out a huge chunk of plot that's important. What *is* the story here? Callie coping with the loss of her brother and meeting someone who helps her in that process? If that's the story, how he helps her cope, and the events that happen are important.

Summer of Hope is a YA contemporary fiction novel that would appeal to readers who enjoy reading Jessi Kirby or Sarah Dessen. --> Never ever ever ever say fiction novel. Novel alone will suffice.

But there needs to be a sense of "stakes" going on. What is at stake for Callie? What could she be missing out on? I haven't figured that out.

--

In your first 150, you disclose how Jamie died. Make sure that's up front in the query. it will be something we need to know Callie will be struggling with.

Jenna and Ashley said...

I'm Pitch #28, if you have time to check out mine:)

Jodie Andrefski said...

Hi Meagan,
Thanks for the feedback. I'm not sure how else to give the stakes in the query without completely giving away the last 1/2 to 1/3 of the book, which from what I understood (and I may be wrong), we weren't supposed to do in a query. (But were in a synopsis). I didn't include in the query how he died, since I didn't feel that was important, since it didn't even happen in the book. What is relevant is that she is dealing with the loss. And I stressed the "perfection" part of the girls since that is a big part of what she struggles with in regard to her own insecurities and how she deals with things later.

The biggest stake in the book IS after he tells her the secret, and what happens after that..which is why I jumped to that. Before that, it was groundwork leading to that...that she was learning how to open up again, and to trust again. Her struggle with her faith in God is a big issue in the book, as is her vow to never let anyone in again or love anyone again. These are all affected (again) after Ethan reveals that he is sick (the secret). I don't know how to tell all of that without giving it all away. Previously, I had been told NOT to give that away. *sigh*. Suggestions??

Jodie Andrefski said...

Jenna and Ashley,
I just wanted to say thank you very much for your detailed critique. It was very helpful, and I was able to take a lot of what you said and even apply it to my current WIP!

Anonymous said...

I agree with the opening line of self-destruct, very strong. I can infer that her brother has died, but rather then the short fragments at the beginning I think you need to lead with that right up front. Or play off her shattered life with the fragments in some way.

SM Johnston said...

I agree with a lot of Meagan's comments. I've been doing slush pile reading recently for an agent contest and I would pass on this because of the stakes. You don't have to be explicit, but work out a way to show there's consequences.

Ellipses should be used sparingly and if you have them in your query agents will see that as a bad sign.

Lots of stories revolve around summer, so you definitely need to set it apart.

Her twin’s death – a friend of mine lost her twin. I believe how they die does matter. I’ve had the death of a family member and how he died was huge. If you think that doesn’t matter then maybe you need to be looking at your story as well as your query (I’m not being harsh, but real here and speaking from my own experience with death as well as other people’s).

I agree with Meagan – until you mentioned plan to self destruct I hadn’t thought that’s what she was doing. I thought she was cutting herself off. That’s different to self destructing.

I hope this helps.

Stephsco said...

Jenna and Ashley gave you fantastic and specific feedback, so I won't repeat what they've already said. My heart lies with YA contemporary, so I'm already drawn to the idea of your story. I agree to watch for word repetition and look for ways to reduce redundancies--not just the same word but repeating concepts within a paragraph.

Starting a story with waking up and a dream/flashback is usually not ideal based on lots of comments from agents and readers I've seen on blogs, forums and at conferences. It may work better to start when your story actually starts, then fill in that backstory as it happens. This takes a lot of work, so I get the challenge. I'm currently reworking my opening. When you say it was a gorgeous spring day, what is she doing? That's a good place to show what she's doing, begin to show what her goal is (at least for the intro chapter) and then trickle in those other details.

Best of luck to you! I'm rooting for all the YA contemps! (Even though my own finished MS is historical--haha).

Jodie Andrefski said...

I'd honestly like to say a SINCERE thank you to every single one of you for your very helpful and constructive criticism. I am hearing ALL of what you are saying, and will be working on using it to make my query better. A month ago, I had never even heard the term "query", so I am definitely learning, and trying to get better by learning from all of you! THANK YOU!!!

Jodie

Jodie Andrefski said...

One other thing that I'd love any and all feedback on, on another critique board, I had been advised of the same thing - don't start by waking up from a dream. Originally my first 150 was worded a bit differently, and much more clear it was a dream. AND she had just woken up. Here, I changed it to her not even been asleep yet, out of fear of HAVING the dream he always has. Does that still count as a negative (since some of you are saying waking up/dreams are a no-no?) I had felt it was really important to lead off with the crux of what makes her like she is for the entire novel--her brother's death (which happened in front of her when he was hit by a hit and run driver while she was standing right there in their yard.) This is the sole reason she is angry, withdrawn, then starts drinking and hanging out w kids she wouldn't normally, etc). THEN, when she does meet someone and lets her guard down and starts to fall in love w him, she finds out he's sick, freaks out big time having a mini-breakdown in public around strangers all by herself, falls and clocks her head on the sidewalk. She's the one that ends up in the hospital in a coma after the head injury--with no one knowing where she is at. She thinks she sees her brother Jamie while she's out, he talks to her occasionally. She hears the people visiting her, but can't respond. (they do figure out who/where she is eventually). Mom won't let Ethan come at first because she blames him for her daughter's accident...and so on and so on.
He eventually does..don't want to tell how it ends.

HOW DO I GET THAT IN A QUERY?? How much do I reveal? I'm to the point I'm so lost I could scream. =(

Jodie Andrefski said...

Is this any better for a query???

Sixteen year old Callie doesn't care if her parents think going to their famiy's summer vacation home is a great idea, it's not. They're so worried she's depressed, of course she's depressed, her twin brother is dead. Or have they forgotten that already after just fourteen months? All the talk about God's hands and getting out there again is complete crap. Loving someone just gets you hurt.

Jamie was her best friend. He listened to anything she had to say, gave her advice when she needed a guy's perspective, and just got her, even with her sometimes less than charming attitude. After losing him, she'd do whatever it took to make herself feel like she fit in, even if it meant she got hurt along the way.

Until she meets the boy that changes her life. Even though she managed to make a less than impressive first impression on her completely impressive new neighbor, he actually seems interested in her too. Ethan's completely rocking the world she had pretty much given up on; until she finds out he'd been hiding a secret. Him liking the Cure she could have dealth with; having Hodgkins with no hope of a cure she can't. Because she wasn't going to go through losing someone she loves again.

If she stands by him, she'll have to watch him die. So she runs, which kick-starts a series of events that affects both of their families-forever.

Tif / Halu-Halo said...


Hi Jodie!
I'm a YA contemp writer too! Nice to meet you! Here are my thoughts about your newest query! My suggestions are in CAPS, I promise I'm not yelling! Hope my suggestions help!
Tif (#33-STITCHES OF TRUTH)



Sixteen year old Callie doesn't care if her parents think going to their famiy's summer vacation home is a great idea (I WOULD PUT AN M DASH HERE) it's not. (They're so worried she's depressed, of course she's depressed-I DON'T THINK YOU NEED THIS) Her twin brother is GONE, DEAD FROM A (HOW?). Or have they forgotten that already after just fourteen months? All the talk about God's hands and getting out there again is complete crap. (Loving someone just gets you hurt-I DON'T THINK YOU NEED THIS)

Jamie WASN'T JUST HER BROTHER, HE WAS ALSO her best friend. (He listened to anything she had to say, gave her advice when she needed a guy's perspective, and just got her, even with her sometimes less than charming attitude.--I DON'T THINK YOU NEED THIS) . After losing him, she'd do whatever it took to make herself feel like she fit in, even if it meant she got hurt along the way.

Until she meets the boy that changes her life. I WOULD MENTION ETHAN'S NAME IN THE FIRST SENTENCE OF THIS PARAGRAPH. Even though she managed to make a less than impressive first impression on her completely impressive new neighbor, he actually seems interested in her too. Ethan's completely rocking the world she had pretty much given up on; until she finds out he'd been hiding a secret. (Him liking the Cure she could have dealth with; having Hodgkins with no hope of a cure she can't.-I WOULD REWRITE THIS, SINCE THIS IS REALLY THE BEGINNING OF THE STORY. MAKE THIS IMPORTANT) Because she wasn't going to go through losing someone she loves again.

If she stands by him, she'll have to watch him die. So she runs, which kick-starts a series of events that affects both of their families-forever. YOU END WITH A CLIFFHANGER, BUT YOU SHOULD END WITH STAKES.)

GOOD LUCK WITH EVERYTHING!!!