Title: The Creepy Kids Club
Genre: Contemporary YA
Word Count: 85,000
Query:
To Whom It May Concern:
THE CREEPY KIDS CLUB is a contemporary Young Adult novel that documents what happens when kids swap out AP English for Machiavelli 101. It is narrated, unreliably, by a thirteen-year-old girl who stumbles upon a teenage conspiracy of epic proportions.
If all the world’s a stage, Melville Middle School is a reality show waiting to happen. Or that’s the impression Keaton Harris gets when she starts there halfway through the school year. Traditionally tanking in all-things-social, she thinks there’s been some mistake when head cheerleader Samantha Probert recruits her to the popular crowd. And she’s not the only one.
Mitchell "Dodge" Dodgson wants her in his club, which boasts all the school nerds as well as five secret members. Despite Sam’s warnings about social suicide, Keaton is intrigued, launching a war between the cliques. For once, she is center stage—and why not? She has a sparkling personality, superior beauty….and a trump card no one knows about. Okay, only the trump card, so why are they fighting over her?
To find out, Keaton prods away at the dark underbelly of middle school and stumbles upon an unlikely soul mate in Dodge’s best friend Zach, but it’s when she turns double agent for the Creepy Kids Club that she discovers there’s a fine line between the roles we choose and those forced upon us. The trick is keeping them straight.
THE CREEPY KIDS CLUB is a good next step for fans of the Wimpy Kids books. Although darker, it adheres to the popular geek-chic vibe then adds a dimension of OLIVER TWIST; Dodge’s leadership style is half Fagin, half Artful Dodger. Thanks to conspiracies galore and an underclass of hackers à la THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO, a semester at Melville is never what it seems. I implore you to check it out, because if there’s a lesson to be learned here (and there is) it’s that all of us could use a dose of creepy.
First 150 Words:
THE CREEPY KIDS CLUB
I came to Melville Middle School one month into seventh grade. Everyone there had known everyone else pretty much all their lives. No one knew me. But that would soon change, according to the principal striding beside me. His name was Mr. Knightley, and he bragged about how easy it was to get to know “his kids”. As I walked along the halls for the first time, I tried in earnest to listen to his sales pitch, yet every step pounded in the reality of what I was—a walking, talking cliché. While Mr. Knightley’s booming voice correctly labeled me as Keaton Harris, I heard it as “The New Kid”, the Nobody, the person no one will want to bother with—not even Mr. Knightley after today.
Little did I know, not everyone saw it that way. One of those faces out there in the maliciously churning sea of unknown seventh-graders masked a mind that had kicked into frantic action.
7 comments:
Query
Your query seemed a bit long to me, and read a little more like a play by play. I'm also a bit confused why the whole gist is that she was never before popular..yet then you stress how she has "superior beauty, a sparkling personality", I'd think in middle school those are the things that would pretty much serve to guarantee is kid isn't a "Nobody"?? I'm also still not sure if there is actually a creepy kids club or if that is just what she calls the kids at the school. I could be missing something. Maybe try to just tighten it up a bit, create a hook to start, then just tell enough to draw the reader it? I know this can be really difficult.
First 150
You say in your query that she starts at the school halfway through the school year...but your first sentence says it is one month into 7th grade. (?)
Past the query..I REALLY liked your first 150. Great voice, I liked the line "I tried in earnest to listen to his sales pitch"...that is so spot on with just how a principal would be talking. I also like the "maliciously churning sea..." but (and I'm on the fence here), I'm thinking it may be too many adjectives with "unknown" thrown in there too. We already know they are unknown since the MC already clarified that.
Good job!
-Start with "If all the world's a stage. If you must keep some of the parts of the first par., add it to the end of the query. You need to start out with a hook, get the agent's attention. "It is narrated, unreliably, by a thirteen-year-old girl who stumbles upon a teenage conspiracy of epic proportions." The agent should be able to assume it's an unreliable narration, not only if it's in first person, but by the way you describe the character who's unreliable. Show, don't tell.
-All-things-social doesn't need dashes
-I really see the personality in the second paragraph (which should be the first). Well worked.
-3rd par. Take out "...as well as" and change to "school nerds and five secret members." More concise.
-Again, great personality (3rd par.)
-"To find out, Keaton prods away at the dark underbelly of middle school and stumbles upon an unlikely soul mate in Dodge’s best friend Zach, but it’s when she turns double agent for the Creepy Kids Club that she discovers there’s a fine line between the roles we choose and those forced upon us."
Too long of a sentence.
-"I implore you to check it out, because if there’s a lesson to be learned here (and there is) it’s that all of us could use a dose of creepy."
Never a good idea to tell the agent what he or she should do! Take out the implore part.
-Because the story is set in a middle school, I'm thinking this is more middle grade than high school. I'm not on an expert on middle grade, but as a YA teen, I wouldn't pick this up. I would pick it up now, as an adult who reads YA, but mostly for the comedy. The subject matter sounds younger than YA.
First 150:
- Second sentence, maybe: "Everyone there had known each other..." to avoid repetition? If you like the effect the phrase everyone creates, ignore this.
-"his kids." PERIOD INSIDE END QUOTE
-"The New Kid," COMMA INSIDE
-"not even Mr Knightley (INSERT COMMA), after today.
-Not sure about the second par. "Little did I know" is cliche. Take out "out there." "One of the faces in the maliciously churning sea of unknown seventh-graders masked a mind that..." Second time you've repeated reference to seventh grade.
-I don't know how to feel about "kicked into frantic action," but it's better than the cliche high gear!
Great job! I can tell this would be hilarious. Because you have words like "maliciously," I feel it's best classified as upper MG.
-Jenna
I know putting periods and commas outside the quote mark is a British and Australian thing (and maybe Canadian?). Though if the writer is indeed British or Aussie, that style would probably have to be changed if this is intended for an American market.
Oh my gosh, I'm sorry. I should know this. I'm an English teacher in the US, so ignore my punctuation-related comments.
I'm Pitch #28, if you have time to check out mine:)
Very cool! This story sounds extremely amusing. What a great idea.
I agree that this is definitely Middle Grade, not YA. On that note, the word count is pretty long (85K) for a book taking place in 7th grade. 85K isn't unheard of for Middle Grade, but it will take more convincing to get an agent's attention. Is there anything you can trim down to get the word count down?
In the query, you give us a lot of names, most of them just once. I can't keep track of the characters in such a short stretch of description. I'd definitely cut out every name except Keaton's. If there really is another major character or two, those can stay, but they should be more involved in the query.
Also, the query is quite long. Definitely shorten! Stick to the major points. Who, what, where, when, and why we should care. You've got that all in there, but it's stretched out and mixed up with a lot of other (at the moment) extraneous detail. Keep the extras out!
I love your description of the principal in your first 150 words. I'm actually wondering if you could bump that up earlier and use some of it as your first line. It's great, unique, and grabbing -- everything a first line should be!
Best of luck with GUTGAA!
This looks like a fascinating plot, but it does seem stuck between two age groups. 13 and 14, I've been told, are tricky ages in terms of selling a manuscript. Not quite middle grade and not quite YA. You may want to either age the protagonist up or down a little. It's tempting to say age her down to 12, because she's in 7th grade, but your length is more YA and you mention AP English in your query, which is definitely a high school class, and an upperclass one at that. You know your manuscript best so think about the overall story and which age group is best for the tone and plot elements.
As for the 150 words: Start with action, rather than introduction. Begin with the principal walking her through the hall. On a positive note, your last sentence of your 150 is great! Very intriguing!
THE CREEPY KIDS CLUB is a contemporary Young Adult novel that documents what happens when kids swap out AP English for Machiavelli 101. It is narrated, unreliably, by a thirteen-year-old girl who stumbles upon a teenage conspiracy of epic proportions. (CUT THIS AND WEAVE THE IMPORTANT INFORMATION INTO THE QUERY.)
If all the world’s a stage, Melville Middle School is a reality show waiting to happen. Or that’s the impression 13-YEAR-OLD Keaton Harris gets when she transfers halfway through the school year. Having spent a lifetime tanking in all-things-social, she thinks there’s been some mistake when head cheerleader Samantha Probert recruits her to the popular crowd. Maybe, instead of recuits her to the popular crowd it’s more specific: invites her to sit with the popular kids at lunch; try-out for cheerleading, etc… what ever the actual event is that occurs. And she’s not the only one. The only one what? To be invited or to think it’s a mistake for her to be included?
Mitchell "Dodge" Dodgson wants her in his club, which boasts all the school nerds as well as five secret members. Despite Sam’s warnings about social suicide, Keaton is intrigued, launching a war between the cliques. For once, she is center stage—and why not? She has a sparkling personality, superior beauty….and a trump card no one knows about. Okay, only the trump card, so why are they fighting over her? I want to know this, too.
To find out, Keaton prods away at the dark underbelly of middle school and stumbles upon an unlikely soul mate in Dodge’s best friend Zach, but it’s when she turns double agent for the Creepy Kids Club that she discovers there’s a fine line between the roles we choose and those forced upon us. Love the premise, but confused as to who are the Creepy Kids Club: Sam’s friends or Dodge’s. The trick is keeping them straight.
THE CREEPY KIDS CLUB is a combination of Oliver Twist meets The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, but with a Diary of a Wimpy Kids flare. (or “but with a middle grade twist.)
Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you.
COMMENTS: This is not a YA book. Your character is 13 and it’s set in middle school. It’s a MG novel. I think the theme is perfect for MG and I can hear a little of your character’s voice in the query, which is always good.
First 150 Words:
THE CREEPY KIDS CLUB
I came to Melville Middle School one month into seventh grade. Everyone there had known everyone else pretty much all their lives. No one knew me. But that would soon change, according to the principal striding beside me. His name was Mr. Knightley, and he bragged about how easy it was to get to know “his kids”. As I walked along the halls for the first time, I tried in earnest to listen to his sales pitch, yet every step pounded in the reality of what I was—a walking, talking cliché. While Mr. Knightley’s booming voice correctly labeled me as Keaton Harris, I heard it as “The New Kid”, the Nobody, the person no one will want to bother with—not even Mr. Knightley after today. I know a lot about Mr. Knightly, but I don’t feel like I know anything about Keaton except that she has some serious self-esteem issues. I think you can get inside her head a little to really make this paragraph pop.
Little did I know, not everyone saw it that way. One of those faces out there in the maliciously churning sea of unknown seventh-graders masked a mind that had kicked into frantic action. I like this line… it’s a bit dark, which is cool.
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