Monday, September 10, 2012

Pitch Polish #42

YA paranormal romance
90,000 words


Sixteen-year-old Tessa Chase knows way too much about what others are feeling—an unfortunate side effect of being an Empath.

She would give anything to get everyone else out of her head and be normal. But when her ability grows and she can suddenly see the things no one else seems to notice, Tessa isn’t entirely sure she’s sane. Then they tell her they are Guardian angels and she is sure of it. Following a forced stint in the psychiatric unit, Tessa decides to take refuge with the invisible angels. They promise to teach her how to harness her ability if she’ll use her unique skills to help them find someone. What she finds instead is herself fascinated by John Warren, an angel with good looks, a sharp tongue, and whose touch sends her spinning. As their search draws them deep into a cycle of kidnappings and murders, Tessa realizes she will have to choose between saving a friend and sacrificing herself to stop the killer. 

First 150 words:

            Day bled into night and thousands of screams filled the air.
            Tonight was the night where the spirited came out to play, when the teenagers whooped and hollered as their stomachs bottomed out and the intensity of sound made everyone in a giddy mood.
            It was Memorial Day weekend. Peddlers Fair weekend. For most people, this fair was a time to have fun or to sell hand made objects to the tourists.
            I was on the opposite side of the peddlers fair and in no mood to be giddy. For me, this was hell.
            Every year, my mom and I came to the same place, selling the same wares that hadn’t sold the year before. But this year, as I stood in front of the peddler’s tents, it felt different.  I wrapped my sleeves securely around my frozen hands. At least it wasn't raining this year. 


yo said...


I'm going to make tome comments on your submission, remember this is only my opinion so I might be wrong.

when you say : "Then they tell her..." Who are you talking about , becaus eyou jump from the things she starts to notice to this. The things she starts to notice is the Guardian Angels?

Maybe I'd put as a different paragraph this: " As their search draws them deep into a cycle of kidnappings and murders, Tessa realizes she will have to choose between saving a friend and sacrificing herself to stop the killer. "

Nicole Zoltack said...

You say she sees things and then mention they. This is confusing because I hadn't realized that the things she's seeing are people. Why does she decide to take refuge with them? Why was she forced into the psych unit? The mention of kidnapping and murders in the last sentence seems to come out of nowhere.

Jessica Becker said...

Yay Pitch Polish! I didn't notice these things on my own. Thank you

Anabel--"then they tell her..." The "they" are the Guardian angels. They are the things no one else can see. I'll have to make that clearer.

Nicole--I hadn't realized that. Thank you. She was forced into the psychiatric unit because her family believes she is crazy (she's seeing and talking to people no one else can see). She takes refuge with the angels because they are the ones that help break her out of the psychiatric unit. I'll have to figure out a better way of moving into that last line.

Anyway, thank you!

Trish Esden said...

The query starts with her skills as an empath, but it's not clear why this skill will help the angels find someone. I suggest you clarify why and who it is they want her to find. I'm assuming the 'who' is important to the story. I'm thinking these two details will provide more clarity and perhaps make the flow of the query a bit smoother.

The 150 is well written. But I suggest you start deep in the mc pov, show what she's doing (like you do in the last paragraph), instead of beginning with by telling where and when it is.

Good luck. It sounds like a cool story with lots of action.