Monday, September 10, 2012

Pitch Polish #45


AWAKENED
YA paranormal
56,000

Query:

Seventeen year-old Emma Potter’s life is thrust into chaos the moment she flips a truck over her parent’s car, saving them from a fatal accident.  Now she’s forced to live in a new town and face a new realty. Where people can move things with their minds, control fire, teleport, find lost items, manipulate the elements and make people see what they want them to.

Just when Emma’s starting to get her telekinesis under control, the real secrets around her life are revealed.  The moment Emma’s powers were triggered, a war began, and whichever side Emma chooses will win. As the gravity of the situation threatens to consume her, she gets help from Max, who has an uncanny ability to always be there when she needs him. This relationship is essential as Emma struggles with the burden of carrying the fate of a race on her shoulders, which she knows nothing about. She can’t choose a side when even she doesn’t know where she stands. And the longer she remains in the middle, the more desperate the two sides become in trying to force her hand.

With the impending war on the horizon, Emma must hurry to master her powers and find strength within herself she didn’t know existed. Because how can she defend herself with a power she just acquired, against people who have been training for this confrontation their entire lives.

First 150 Words:

There’s a pivotal moment in everyone’s life. A moment you can look back upon and say that is what changed everything. For me, that moment occurred today.
The day started off innocently enough. It was the second of January and the end of my Christmas vacation. My parents and I were visiting my Aunt Teri in Eau Claire, Wisconsin. We’d been there for the whole break and were returning home to Milwaukee.
This morning I got up and got ready. I didn’t feel any different, nothing to warn me of what was to come. I threw on my favorite worn jeans and comfy red sweater and went to have breakfast with my parents and Aunt Teri.
My feet dragged as I went downstairs, wishing I could put off leaving. I really enjoyed my visits with her. She’s my favorite aunt. Actually, she’s my only aunt, but even if she wasn’t she’d still be my favorite. 

3 comments:

Anabel González said...

Hi!

I'm going to manke some comments on your submission. This is only my opinion and I might be wrong.

The query for me is perfect. I already want to read your story.

I thin that maybe you can change the first words. I think that you should keep :"There’s a pivotal moment in everyone’s life. A moment you can look back upon and say that is what changed everything. For me, that moment occurred today."

Then I think it would be better if you showed us how was her inoccent day, don't tell us it's inoccent let us see it. then keep us showing all her day so we can live it with her and be surprised when everything changes.

Good luck!

Heather M Bryant said...

You've chosen a great name for your character - it's easy to pronounce and from the very beginning she seems like a cool gal. The whole magical school thing has been done to death (I know, because I too am struggling to write a query where it doesn't sound EXACTLY THE SAME AS EVERYTHING ELSE) but you've done well setting yours apart. I'd probably buy this if I saw it on the shelf.


Seventeen year-old Emma Potter’s life is thrust into chaos the moment she flips a truck over her parent’s car, saving them from a fatal accident. [GREAT FIRST LINE BUT IT FEELS A LITTLE WORDY TO ME. 'IS THRUST INTO CHAOS THE MOMENT' COULD BE SIMPLIFIED] Now she’s forced to live in a new town and face a new realty. Where people can move things with their minds, control fire, teleport, find lost items, manipulate the elements [COMMA] and make people see what they want them to. [GOOD SENTENCE. MAYBE CUT ONE OR TWO THINGS OUT THOUGH]

Just when Emma’s starting to get her telekinesis under control, the real secrets around her life are revealed. The moment Emma’s powers were triggered, a war began, and whichever side Emma chooses will win. [THIS IS KINF OF ABRUPT. MAYBE SPLIT IN TWO SENTENCES. 'THE MOMENT EMMA'S POWERS WERE TRIGGERED, A WAR BEGAN. AND SHE'S THE DECIDING FACTOR.'] As the gravity of the situation threatens to consume her, she gets help from Max, who has an uncanny ability to always be there when she needs him. This relationship is essential as Emma struggles with the burden of carrying the fate of a race on her shoulders, which she knows nothing about. She can’t choose a side when even she doesn’t know where she stands.[THIS IS GREAT] And the longer she remains in the middle, the more desperate the two sides become in trying to force her hand.

With the impending war on the horizon, Emma must hurry to master her powers and find strength within herself she didn’t know existed.[I'D SUGGEST CUTTING THIS SENTENCE AS IT DOESN'T REALLY TELL US ANYTHING NEW AND THE QUERY STILL WORKS WITHOUT IT] Because how can she defend herself with a power she just acquired, against people who have been training for this confrontation their entire lives.


The only thing about your query, is the whole 'her being the one' thing seems a little contrived. I'm sure that's not how it is in your MS, but maybe there's a way you can explain why without going into a whole lot of details. Good luck with that - ha ha.

Matthew MacNish said...

This is getting much better! The only thing that stands out to me at first glance is that you use Emma's proper name a lot. It becomes an echo when you read it out loud. Keep in mind that unless you're mentioning two characters in the same sentence, it's fine to replace "Emma" with "she," or "her" every once in a while.