Monday, September 10, 2012

Pitch Polish #44


Title: Afterlife
Genre: YA Paranomal 
Word Count: 61,700

Query:

Samantha Cole never believed in ghosts, until she got a letter from her brother two months after his death, blaming her for the accident. She’s  spent the last two years hunting ghosts, in the hope that she will find out what happened to her brother, and be able to make amends. 
 Now  sixteen, Samantha and  Matt, her best friend and partner, have explored most of the east coast, looking for evidence of paranormal activity, with no results. Until Matt finds a lead, a story surrounding a child ghost in the rural stretches of Rhode Island. Sam risks expulsion and escapes from her boarding school to investigate, but the answers she finds confuse her more than enlighten her. 
The ghost that she finds can become corporeal, a revelation that challenges Sam’s  preconceptions, and prompts Matt to make a shocking confession: he passed away nearly twenty years before he ever met Sam.  Sam finds herself torn, unsure of how to help the ghosts in her life, and swept up into a century old murder investigation. 
AFTERLIFE is a paranormal Young Adult novel, complete at 61,700 words.  It will appeal to fans of Clockwork Angel, Shiver, and Hush,Hush, as it centers on an unusual romance between two unlikely friends, and a young girl’s struggle to find her place in a new world. 

First 150 Words:

The dilapidated house looked perfect for a haunting. The walkway was covered with a thick layer of fallen leaves that had been gathering for long enough that the bottom layer had rotted, making the air smell faintly musty and damp.The house even carried an excessive history of violence including at least one murder and a suicide. But in the end the science didn’t lie, all of the meters and metrics I took pointed to one solidly boring, and soon to be condemned house. I sighed and stared wistfully at the colonial. I’d thought that it’d be our first break, but I’d thought that a lot over the past two years. 
“There’s nothing here, Matt,” I said through the walkie. This was the fifth house we had investigated in a  year that was either a hoax or a mistake. 
I heard him sigh. “Yeah, I’m kind of getting that.” 

3 comments:

Jeannette said...

This sounds like a great story! I just really, really don't think you should tell us that Matt is dead. It just gives away your whole plot. Intrigue us and tease us, maybe hint at it, but don't reveal your shocker! If you restructured the query around their quest together and then how things start to get weird I think it would serve you better.

Anabel González said...

Hi!

I'm going to make some comments on your submission, remember this is only my opinion so I might be wrong.

I think you should reorder your first sentences so you can tell her age before adn the reader will now you age range immediately. I'd put it this way: " Samantha Cole never believed in ghosts, until she got a letter from her brother two months after his death, blaming her for the accident. Now sixteen, Samantha and Matt, her best friend and partner, spent the last two years hunting ghosts, in the hope that she will find out what happened to her brother, and be able to make amends. They have explored most of the east coast, looking for evidence of paranormal activity, with no results."

Also I'd cut this :"he passed away nearly twenty years before he ever met Sam." I think is better to keep the suspense of what Matt is and what is the confession.

Great first words, I'm intrigued!

Tamara said...

I remember this from Write On? Is that where I saw it? Wherever it was, it stood out, because I recognized it right away. I either never saw that query or it's changed a lot.

I love it. I would definitely want to read more. I thought the query was really strong and the ideas in it were intriguing. You told me just enough to make me want to read more. I actually have to disagree with the previous poster about leaving Matt's confession out. The fact that Matt's a ghost was one of the main things that hooked my interest.

I think you did an excellent job on this. One of the things that drew me to it was your title. I don't need help with my query, but I'm actually struggling with a title. I have three choices up on my blog. I'd love it if you could shoot over there and tell me which one you like?

Good luck with this!!